Worried about my friend

[Cyclone6]

I posted a while back about my two ski friends who got injured. One had an ACL tear and has since had the surgery. But now I'm worried about her. She's normally the most bubbly, outgoing, social, optimistic person in the entire world. Yes, an injury like this might dampen those qualities. But it's gone to an extreme. I used to text with her daily, but in the past week or so she's just been giving me one-word answers or not responding at all. Normally she's my most reliable friend in terms of replying to texts. I asked her if she was okay, or if she was mad at me, and she insisted she wasn't and just wants some me-time. One of the last real conversations we had in-person was about her car. She said "someone shoved a traffic cone" under her car. I jokingly accused her of running over a traffic cone and not realizing it. She swears that didn't happen and got pretty defensive. Putting it all together...I'm worried she's abusing the pain meds she was prescribed for the surgery. I remember her saying they gave her 40 pills, and there was one refill available. Kind of nuts, considering what we know about opiates these days. I don't know what to do. I want to respect her boundaries, since she is saying she needs alone time, but this is really starting to concern me.

 

[Jenny]

Do you have a mutual friend you can check with to see if she’s getting the same kind of responses?

 

[Cyclone6]

Do you have a mutual friend you can check with to see if she’s getting the same kind of responses?

Sort of, but she's more of an acquaintance. I'll think about it.

 

[Jilly]

I'm thinking like @Jenny - is there another contact, friend, family. You could be right to be concerned. If you feel it in your heart, then act on it. Can you invite her out for lunch, coffee, dessert???

 

[Cyclone6]

I'm thinking like @Jenny - is there another contact, friend, family. You could be right to be concerned. If you feel it in your heart, then act on it. Can you invite her out for lunch, coffee, dessert???

I tried, but she said she wants to be alone :/

 

[Jilly]

Yikes..
Part of me agrees and part of me says push for a face to face. Coffee isn't a big commitment!

 

[Pequenita]

Does she live with anyone? Who has been taking her to her post-op follow ups with her physician, who drove her home from the surgery? Could you get in touch with them? I would try reaching out to them and say something along the lines of how you don’t know your acquaintance well, but you haven’t heard from them since the surgery and wanted to make sure they were okay. And then call your acquaintance- if they let the call go to VM, my approach in those situations is to leave a message that they don’t need to respond, but I wanted to let them know I am thinking about them.

 

[Cyclone6]

Yikes..
Part of me agrees and part of me says push for a face to face. Coffee isn't a big commitment!

I know, it really isn't!

 

[Cyclone6]

Does she live with anyone? Who has been taking her to her post-op follow ups with her physician, who drove her home from the surgery? Could you get in touch with them? I would try reaching out to them and say something along the lines of how you don’t know your acquaintance well, but you haven’t heard from them since the surgery and wanted to make sure they were okay. And then call your acquaintance- if they let the call go to VM, my approach in those situations is to leave a message that they don’t need to respond, but I wanted to let them know I am thinking about them.

She does not live with anyone, and it was me who gave her a ride to and from. I stayed with her for the first 24 hours, but that was it.

 

[TiffAlt]

Having been through situations like this, I've come to realization that friendship is a two way street and it always has to be on both people's terms. If you push too much, you may push them away no matter how well meaning.

What I have done in cases like this is write them a letter or email and let them know I respect their wishes, but if they ever need a friend, my door is always open. They don't always knock on my door, but I want them to know that it'll be open for them if they do come around. Sometimes they do. Sometimes they don't.

That said, if I knew family or friends of her, I'd ask them confidentially about her, as others have said. I'd take care to ask that it not get back to her that you are asking in case she misinterprets it as "prying" but let them know that you are only asking because you care.

The best of luck to you here. It's a very difficult position.

 

[Knitjenious]

Is there a world where you let her Dr. know about your concerns? HIPAA only means her Dr can't tell you anything about her, not that you can't tell her Dr what you have noticed.

Not the same exactly, but I have in the past reached out to a friend's therapist when it was clear a friend was going through a significant depressive episode after a major back surgery and suggested the therapist might reach out to my friend. (Because I and other friends were comcerned about potential self harm. The therapist did reach out and my friend was grateful for it.) Even if it's not abuse of prescription drugs, a major injury can have a big effect on mental health, especially if her lifestyle has had to change due to the surgery. Her Dr might benefit from knowing what you are noticing.

Last thing I will share is my own memory of having badly broken my leg (years before I ever started skiing!) There was a period of time when it was hard to be around people because I seemed visibly better but was actually still in a lot of pain every day -- and having everyone perceive that I was "back to normal" when on the inside I wasn't was just exhausting. With time, that too passed, and if this is the case with your friend, I hope it will pass for her too.

I hope that your worst fears will prove to be unfounded, that your friend will feel more like herself again soon, and that your friendship will remain strong.

 

[Cyclone6]

I don't trust the acquaintance to keep my concerns anonymous. I'm going to wait a few days, and then try her again. If she's still being weird, I'm going to see about contacting her doctor.

 

[geargrrl]

Ultimately if she is abusing paid meds, it is out of your control and concern won't change anything.

 

[VickiK]

I have friends/acquaintances who are fun, bubbly, and social, yet do not reciprocate phone calls or staying in touch. I try to stay in touch for a while, and then let them be. Texting daily can get to feel too much sometimes. Perhaps back off for a while?

 

[CoachDeb]

Is she aware of your concern directly? Meaning, does she know you are specifically concerned about the pain medicine because it is so easy to get hooked on and it is definitely mood altering (what you are witnessing it sounds like). If you can show up in person to share your concern that would be a best attempt. Text and phone calls are easy to avoid.

I’ve led a recovery ministry for almost 20 years. You can’t make her want help but, as someone else mentioned, she needs to know you’re willingness to do whatever it takes to help her.

If she is not willing to discuss it, sharing your concerns with anyone else close to her a good idea. Realize you could lose your friendship over it but, if you’re concerns are found true and it gets her to take a healthy actionobviously its worth whatever you have to do.

When I was recovering from a severely broken leg years ago, I went through a really rough time of not wanting to be around people or talk on the phone. The pain medicine was a definite problem in my overall outlook.

Saying a prayer right now for both of you

 

[Christy]

She's normally the most bubbly, outgoing, social, optimistic person in the entire world. Yes, an injury like this might dampen those qualities. But it's gone to an extreme. I used to text with her daily, but in the past week or so she's just been giving me one-word answers or not responding at all. Normally she's my most reliable friend in terms of replying to texts. I asked her if she was okay, or if she was mad at me, and she insisted she wasn't and just wants some me-time.

To me this sounds like depression. Maybe it's situational and will resolve. Maybe it's more serious. There are online resources that will advise on helping someone with depression.

I remember her saying they gave her 40 pills, and there was one refill available.

I would be very cautious of jumping to conclusions about drug addiction if this is your only evidence for that. It is huge leap to say that a week of one-word text responses + she was prescribed some meds (do you even know if she took them all?) = she's an addict.

 

[Cyclone6]

To me this sounds like depression. Maybe it's situational and will resolve. Maybe it's more serious. There are online resources that will advise on helping someone with depression.



I would be very cautious of jumping to conclusions about drug addiction if this is your only evidence for that. It is huge leap to say that a week of one-word text responses + she was prescribed some meds (do you even know if she took them all?) = she's an addict.

Maybe I am jumping to conclusions. I lost a friend a few years back, due to an overdose. I think this is bringing up some bad memories for me.