Male skiing buddy?

[abc]

While we're at the "love" subject, this is a bit of my problem...

Who here managed to keep long time male skiing buddy, without the guys trying to do "more than share the slope"?

Quite often, if I ski with one guy (out of a group) for more than a day, perhaps because we're compatible in our speed or run preference, the guy would start to hint here and there that we do "more" after skiing. You know what I mean, dinner, a drink after, then anther drink, and then the hands starts to get close...

After brushing one off a few times, he tend to disappear and doesn't even want to ski together any more.

It doesn't help that I'm currently unattached and want to stay that way, at least for a while. So I don't have a boy friend to fend them off.

It's kind of annoying. I'd like to have buddies to ski with, whatever their gender, as long as we're somewhat compatible. But it doesn't seem to work with guys. And it also doesn't matter if the guy is my dad's age, or young enough to be my son!

 

[SnowHot]

I've always skied with "da boyz", but I think that's because I've always skied with my husband. I am a BIG FLIRT, and I tend to joke around in a somewhat provocative manner, but even that has never brought on inappropriate advances.
Most of the guys I ski with know my husband, have skied with him and have never made any advances toward me. I even go skiing with a ton of them without my husband when he's off snowmobiling, or if he just isn't in the mood to ski.
In the past year, I've skied with a lot of Epic Bears, with whom I've interacted in my usual flirty manner. None of them know my husband, and yet none of them made advances. (With the exception of Buckethead, but then he hit on every girl within reach of his ski pole.)
Big difference between you and me, I am attached. And you're probably way hotter than I am ;)

I think the reason my husband is so comfortable with my tendancy to ski with "da boyz" is because it comes from him taking me with 'da boyz" for many years and knows I've developed the skills and attitude to handle myself well with them, and he knows I know which side my bread is buttered on.:D

 

[Pequenita]

Oh, abc, that story is depressing to me; it suggests that I'll never have any new platonic guy friends unless I go back to school! Here's why -

I've always had guy friends in high school and college who were platonic friends. The first few years out of college, I would meet guys, and we'd hang out, doing stuff that friends do, right? Well, then I started noticing that these guys would never call back, or return my calls to do stuff later on, and it wasn't until I was near 30 that I realized that I had been going out on dates! Yeah, I am a ditz. I'd like to think, though, that if any of them had actually struck my fancy as a potential significant other, I would have reacted appropriately.

ANYWAY, fast forward to now. I've discovered that I have no platonic male friends from outside an educational setting. Good thing I've spent more than half my life in school, I guess! On the other hand, at my last job in a large government agency, there was a point in time when I was going to a lot of meetings, and meeting ton of people (read: men), and everyone from the janitor to the higher-ups (wound up dating one for a year and a half) was asking me to "lunch." I learned that many guys, to protect their egos in case you decline, are less than clear when they are asking women out on dates. Lunch invitations by single men are rarely platonic (yet, it's also inappropriate to respond to a lunch invitation with "I have a boyfriend"!). Actually, hardly any invitation by a single guy is platonic, and his interest in you is reflected by having wanted to spend time with you.

Anyway, that's the way it's been for me. It sounds like your ski experience fits the pattern I've described. I was sort of hoping that as I grew older I'd be able to have platonic guy friends!

 

[ski now work later]

In my 20s, I thought I had platonic friends, and they were, but they were also up for sleeping with me if I was interested! Sometimes this got in the way of friendship, sometimes not.

I've essentially been married for 17 years and that's made it easier to have male friends, except that if they are also married, it's the rare couple that can handle that sort of thing. I miss my male buddies, although my (second) husband was one of my closest male buddies before we became a couple, and that sure helps.

My only ski buddy (except my husband and kids) that I go mid-week skiing with is a man. He's about 10 years younger than I, and is about to become formally engaged with a woman who I met when I took horseback riding lessons at a local barn. She's more of a horse person and he's more of a skiier, and I get a long great with both of them. She's not able to ski mid-week, and he is. Voila! Between the age difference and the fact that we are both essentially married (he and his partner live together and are building a house on their land), it keeps the energy clean, but from force of habit, I'm always on the lookout to make sure there's nothing else happening.

I think that most men can't help finding an attractive woman compelling. It's what he does with that energy that matters, and yes, I also yearn for more male friends.

 

[num]

I can't say much as far as male ski buddies are concerned, as I always ski solo, so there's no more male or female representation in that way. Reading Pequenita's experience, though, made me want to say that that despite all the mixed signals and fake budding "friendships" that come from a lot of guys, there is such a thing as platonic cross gender friendship in single people. I can definitely relate to the experience of guys wanting more than friendship, and the guys who say they want to be friends and won't take a hint, but combatting that is the fact that 90 percent of my friends are guys, many of whom are single.

I'm in several all male social circles, and outsiders often assume that I'm one of the guys' girlfriend, even though i actually end up playing wingman quite a bit. Some of my guy friends have had interest in me, some of them are in the honorary brother category, a good deal of them have done the whole "if we hadn't become friends first, we could have been an awesome couple!" rant, but regardless of what they once had in mind, or what could have been, or whatever, we've got very functional man-friendships now :D

I'm very blunt and up front about what I'm open to and not open to, and I think being clear about borders helps a lot. Another thing I've noticed is that it's easier for a guy to comprehend the fact that I'm not trying to hook up with someone when I'm with guys when they meet me, or they meet me through guy friends. Something about two girls together seems to make guys think we're trying to showcase ourselves or something, I guess. I think that's very lame, but they seem to sum us up like that, so I'm far less surprised when I'm badgered all night while I'm out with a girl than with the guys.

All that being said, there are still a million guys who no matter how you meet them, no matter what you tell them, whether or not you have a sign over your head that says "I'M REALLY NOT PLAYING HARD TO GET, I'M THOROUGHLY UNINTERESTED IN DATING YOU" will never understand or believe it. Those are the guys who just need to be avoided. So sad, that.

 

[abc]

I think that most men can't help finding an attractive woman compelling. It's what he does with that energy that matters,

I can handle it if a man find me attractive and wishes to share more than a chair! I'm not offended by such attention. But I don't encourage it either. It's the fact they disappear once their advance was brushed off that strikes me as so vain.

It's really pathetic that the one guy that I had as a long time platonic friend was a gay guy!

I was sort of hoping that as I grew older I'd be able to have platonic guy friends!

PequenitaYou might have to be quite a bit "older" for that to happen. Haven't you heard, the 40 is the new 30 and 50 is the new 35! ;)

And you're probably way hotter than I am

SnowHot, that's very flirty of you! ;) I doubt I'm anything special. And judging from the responds, I'm not alone. Unless, of course, it's an indication that all ski divas are HOT! ;)

Though I'm "unfortunately" in that age group that is now deem "desireable", namely middle age but young in look and in heart. Hence the "unwanted attention" from men 25 years younger to 25 years older!

I also yearn for more male friends.

It's too bad we can't have friends with 1/2 the population because they can't keep their pants on!!!

 

[num]

Unless, of course, it's an indication that all ski divas are HOT! ;)

It is :p

 

[Pequenita]

Reading Pequenita's experience, though, made me want to say that that despite all the mixed signals and fake budding "friendships" that come from a lot of guys, there is such a thing as platonic cross gender friendship in single people. I can definitely relate to the experience of guys wanting more than friendship, and the guys who say they want to be friends and won't take a hint, but combatting that is the fact that 90 percent of my friends are guys, many of whom are single.

But num, if I'm not mistaken, you're in school, right? I've never had problems with making and having guy friends in school, and I'm still in touch with several of them. But, between college and law school when I was working, and then after law school, the only single guys that seemed interested in talking to me were the ones who had ulterior motives.

Particularly frustrating was a former co-worker who worked across the hall from me. We went out for drinks one night after we both had stressful days at work, and it turned into him giving me the soliloquey on how awesome he thought I was (albeit crazy for liking to camp and ski) and he wanted to asked me out, etc., etc., but don't worry, we're still friends if I say no. Well, I said no, and he ignored me for the remaining month that I worked there! Not only that, he didn't come into work my last day and didn't call or anything afterwards to wish me luck, etc., at my new job. I don't know what his definition of "friend" is, but when I miss my friends' last days at work, I call or email or send a text msg. apologizing for missing it!

ANYWAY, all a long way of saying, I don't think it's in my stars to have a platonic guy skiing buddy.

 

[SnowHot]

ANYWAY, all a long way of saying, I don't think it's in my stars to have a platonic guy skiing buddy.

It will probably happen when you are married and you're skiing buddies with his friends. I really value the male ski buddies I have and would hate for anything to happen to change my relationships with them.

Friends of any kind are very valuable.

 

[Jilly]

I've always skied with male buddies. Since I joined a ski club in the 80's (and met my SO)and was working with the ski instructors who were mostly male. But most of the guys I ski with are married or seriously involved. Today, I still ski with the guys in our group of friends. Most don't have wives or SO that ski. I always make sure I do the "politically correct" thing and talk to the women when I see them. In fact one of the guys wife is seriously sick with lung cancer. We are all there to support both of them. Most of the wives/SO don't understand the kick/draw we get from skiing. So its their lost and my gain. I get to ski with some kick-ass skiers.

 

[ski diva]

I'm not exactly prime pick-up bait, but on occasion I have skied with men who acted a little too flirty for my taste. Usually what I do is start interjecting my husband into the conversation -- not in an obnoxious way, but in a way that seems very natural. They usually get the picture.

 

[persee]

Indeed I know this feeling. Most of the male friends I have now are either married/seriously committed or friends with my husband as well. This eliminates the problems.

However before I was married I tried to have several male friends and I made it abundantly clear that I had no interest in anything other than being friends. However I have a feeling that no matter how clear I made it some of them were always hoping I might change my mind. It was really annoying because I think nearly all my life I've gotten along better with guys than girls - I was definitely a tomboy growing up, despite being a talented ballet dancer, and then I got into science and computers and you can bet most of the people I would be around in these fields would be male. So the people who I'd have the most chance to socialize with couldn't be friends because they were after something more.

There is one guy now, who is friends with both myself and my husband who I believe wouldn't have been a problem when I was single... but who can say for sure. I think we're gonna get him and a female friend skiing next year!

 

[Pequenita]

It will probably happen when you are married and you're skiing buddies with his friends.

You're a lot more optimistic than I about a change in my marital status! Actually, I take back part of my sentence - I do have male skiing buddies, but they are, again, guys that I met while in school.

 

[num]

But num, if I'm not mistaken, you're in school, right?

Nope, I'm outta school. I'm an associate professor though, so I could've given that impression by talking about campus. And as a college and preschool teacher, I always think in terms of academic years, instead of calendar ones, so it's kinda like I'm still in school

I do have a lot of male friends who I met in school, but I also have a good amount from separate scenes altogether. One thing I can say as a big difference between our situations though, is that it seems like a lot of the guys you're meeting are through work, though I don't know if those are just the examples that came up and it happens a lot elsewhere.

Maybe also the line of work makes a difference? I've never had an issue with a guy I work with, and I'm in education, which may be tempered by whatever force it is that makes guys have platonic friendships in school?

I stand by the idea (hope?) that there are guys out there who are capable and interested in platonic friendships. It might not be their first choice of relationship, or it may be, and there are definitely the guys who can't or won't have platonic relationships. I just think those are the guys not worth spending energy thinking about, and try to avoid them.

 

[lil mountain girl]

it's funny, i've always always had more guy friends than girl friends (with the exception a couple close friends -- strong divas who i hold near and dear to my heart ).
i suppose i felt that most guys i knew were a bit more "relaxed" and made me feel more at ease -- not to mention shared my sense of need to be in the mountains.

so with one or two exeptions, i've mostly been treated as "one of the guys".
there are pros and cons to this.
the pros are fairly obvious, by having great friendships, ski buddies, and adventure friends.
the cons are that in all that honesty, sometimes you learn things you'd rather not know . . . :o . . . like how utterly crass and base some male minds can stoop to (again, i think i've been hanging out with too many patrollers!!!)
sometimes i wonder how i ended up surrounded by all these BOYS -- the joys :o

but overall, i think that these kinds of friendships are wonderful in many ways.
they're enlightening on many levels and also help me to define my own boundries and solidify my values in all relationships! :D

 

[Pequenita]

I can't wait to ski with you all....I'm thinking of all the great conversations I could have on the lift!

 

[Gina23]

I have met plenty of guys on the slopes, and since I usually ski alone without my partner I can tell right away or not if they are looking for more. Some will ask to go to apres ski... the problem is that I have the personality to join them, because I like to be social and naturally I'm very outgoing and flirty. When they find out I'm not single, in true male fashion, they bolt.