Can men and women be platonic friends?

[ski diva]

These two quotes got me thinking:

Hahaha! See? More evidence for my theory that it's nearly impossible to make platonic guy friends outside of an academic setting.

I've had good luck making platonic guy friends at work, too. Of course, I work with 80% guys, so I guess I have no choice.

I actually had a nice chat with a guy on the lift at Timberline this summer, but I think he was like 16.

Can men and women just be friends, without it turning into anything else? What do you think? And if so, under what conditions?

 

[SnowHot]

Being in an environment at work and in our social activities, where I'm around men most of the time, I find myself having more guy friends than girl friends.

I will say that the BEST friends are the few women with whom I've sustained a connection to over the years.

I can name at least 10 guys I could call upon if I needed something.
I can name 3 women with whom I share my most intimate parts of my heart.

I love my guy friends, but I'd cut them loose in a heart beat if I had to choose between them and the women who've ingrained themselves in my heart.

Guys are Buddies, while Girl friends are FRIENDS!

 

[altagirl]

Good God would I be in trouble if you couldn't.

Seriously - probably 90% of my co-workers, riding and skiing buddies, etc. are all guys. I do have some female friends, and they're great, but there's just such a small number. It goes back to Tradygirl's post about women friends as ski buddies. By the time you get to an upper level of a male dominated sport and specialize into a certain area of those sports - good grief. There are so few women that if you're picky that you're only going to be good friends with women, you'd probably end up pretty lonely!

 

[RachelV]

Good God would I be in trouble if you couldn't.

No kidding. Ever since college when I majored in computer science I've been in environments that are easily at least 75% men. College classes, internships, now my jobs... it's crazy. In high school I always had a great group of female friends, and I took it for granted. Now it's really hard to develop one, just because I see way fewer women than men in the course of my regular day-to-day activities.

Here are two college stories about this:
1) First day of one particular class and there are like 20 girls in the room, compared to the usual 2 or 3 (out of maybe 100 students total). I'm thinking to myself how awesome it is, wondering where they all came from. The professor walks in and announces the psych class moved down the hall. All the girls except the usual 2 or 3 get up and leave.

2) I'm walking to class with 4 or 5 guy friends. It had recently snowed and these trees along the walkway had dropped all these golf ball-sized berries on the ground. Without saying *a word*, all the guys drop their bags, duck behind the snow banks and start having a berry fight. This was what college was like for me.

Just this morning I said this in an email to a female co-worker regarding a woman who interviewed here yesterday and did really well:
"Before you know it you will need TWO HANDS to count the number of women in the app group. That will be awesome."

So anyways, I could go on about this topic forever. I'm definitely seconding altagirl, though. If it weren't for platonic guy friends, I'd be in trouble. :p

 

[bklyn]

Women can be platonic friends with men, even those that they find unattractive.

Men OTOH seek out women they find attractive and settle for friendship when other options are unavailable to them.

Think about it... ;)

 

[SnowHot]

Good God would I be in trouble if you couldn't.

Seriously - probably 90% of my co-workers, riding and skiing buddies, etc. are all guys. I do have some female friends, and they're great, but there's just such a small number. It goes back to Tradygirl's post about women friends as ski buddies. By the time you get to an upper level of a male dominated sport and specialize into a certain area of those sports - good grief. There are so few women that if you're picky that you're only going to be good friends with women, you'd probably end up pretty lonely!

I agree with the entirety of this ^^^^^

I do love my male buddies that I ski with, ride with and golf with!
I'd never ski or golf if I waited for the girls.

 

[tradygirl]

Women can be platonic friends with men, even those that they find unattractive.

Men OTOH seek out women they find attractive and settle for friendship when other options are unavailable to them.

Think about it... ;)

I actually have to agree with this at least partially. For single people, I totally agree with bklyn. Men are ALWAYS thinking about women in a sexual way, and they tend to gravitate towards the women they find attractive. That doesn't mean that they can't be "friends" per se, but I agree that the dude will at least be thinking about what she looks like naked at least once or twice. Hell, I'll even admit that when I was single I settled for friendships with hot guys when I knew they were out of my league. Hey, a hot guy is always easy on the eyes, right?

I think things change a bit when all parties involved are married or otherwise happily coupled to other people. When there's no more (or at least less) sexual tension, it's much easier for a guy to just be friends. All that being said....I've always had a lot of guy friends. But if I think about it, I have felt closest to the few girls I've hung on to through the years.

 

[abc]

Good God would I be in trouble if you couldn't.

Seriously - probably 90% of my co-workers, riding and skiing buddies, etc. are all guys. I do have some female friends, and they're great, but there's just such a small number. It goes back to Tradygirl's post about women friends as ski buddies. By the time you get to an upper level of a male dominated sport and specialize into a certain area of those sports - good grief. There are so few women that if you're picky that you're only going to be good friends with women, you'd probably end up pretty lonely!

There're FRIENDS. Then there're "buddies".

I have many male buddies: biking buddies, kayaking buddies, ski buddies etc. I also have mostly male co-workers.

They are only my "friends" if I'm also friends with their wife!

 

[ski now work later]

Yes, women and men can be platonic, as long as the women realize that the men will most likely think about them in a sexual way from time to time.

My current husband was my platonic friend for 7 years before we started dating. Of course, we were married to other people at the time, but I learned once we started dating that he'd had a crush on me for 6 of those 7 years! A very loyal husband to his ex-wife, and now me, I had no idea how he felt....

I have found it easier to have platonic friends as a married woman. In my 20s when I was single, I had platonic friends, though I confess to have slept with some of them on occasion. :D

The marriage thing helps keep the friendship appropriate. My best ski buddy is a man 12 years younger than I am and I'm also good friends with his fiance and so far, it works great!

I do love being flirted with at ski resorts though, by men 20 years younger to 20 years older. Especially mid-week and in Montana, the ratio of men to women is great for flirting. "Married not dead" I always say....

 

[Pequenita]

Well, the only platonic guy friends that I have are those whom I met through some sort of bonding/learning experience. That being said, I really do have platonic guy friends whom I've known for more than half my life and who keep in touch with me (and I them) regularly. Although, I'm pretty sure at least one of them had a crush on me in high school, but that doesn't count since he hit on everything with XX chromosomes!

But, I can give many examples of situations where guys that I met outside of learning experiences whom I thought were friends then later expressed romantic interest in me, gave me the "but we'll still be friends if you don't want a relationship" line, and after I (kindly, I thought) rebuffed them, then proceeded to never talk to me again unless I approached them first. The one who stands out in my mind is the co-worker who went as far as snogging me last winter. I told him right then that I didn't want to be in a relationship [with him], and he started to ignore me, including calling in sick to work the last two days that I was at that job and not otherwise calling or texting me to wish me well. Friend, right?

Regarding buddies, I don't know if it's an intentional detachment thing or opposite of intimacy tactic or what, but from what I can tell, a guy rarely refers to another guy as a friend. They tend to all call each other "buddies" -- as in, "My buddy Ray and I were at Murphy's the other night...."

 

[tradygirl]

Ahh.....I finally found the website I was looking for. I think this explains bklyn's point very well.

The Ladder Theory
https://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html

(BEWARE: explicit language and extreme bitterness Dude's got a chip on his shoulder, but I have to admit he makes a good argument.)

[editorial comment]
The aforementioned website does not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of Tradygirl. It is meant for the sole purpose of wasting time and laughing at male insecurities.
[/editorial comment]

 

[sibhusky]

I find I have all different levels of friends, some are better for some things than others. My longest term friends are my female friends, but we can go for years without communicating sometimes. I have more fun with my male friends, because they are mostly my ski buddies. Having worked with predominantly men most of my life, the few times I've worked with women I've found them petty and consumed with other things than getting the job at hand done. (Sorry, but true.) On the other hand, if I really need to TALK to someone, the only ones who listen are the women. If I think about myself, though, I am more a "guy-type" friend to others...not good at listening, more concerned with solving things, and not one to dwell on motives unless it will lead to a solution of some problem.

 

[abc]

the few times I've worked with women I've found them petty and consumed with other things than getting the job at hand done. (Sorry, but true.)

I think you mean to say "sad but true"? I have similar experience myself!

Though it's probably more of a "manager" kind of thing. For I found I don't have any problem working WITH female co-workers but have trouble working FOR female managers.

Sorry to veer off-topic. I happened to had a "girl" chat with my one and only female co-worker today. And funny enough, we both came to the same conclusion: we can't seem to work well under female managers! Somehow, the relationship got "too personal" which is not good for work place, especially boss-to-subordinate relationships. We both agree we work better under male managers. Because we can shout at each other with f words and it just doens't feel personal!

I'm proud to say while I do think like a guy (result oriented), I also listen just like a girl friend should be, patient & comforting. Although I'm embarass to admit the last time I listened, ehhh, "too patiently", I ended up sharing a bed with my "friend" for 6 months!

 

[Bumblebee]

I'm not sure... I'd like to say yes because I have more male friends than female. However, since I've lost 100lbs I've had a few 'suggestions' from male friends which would indicate platonic is the last thing on their mind!

 

[Ski Spirit]

I agree with the comments on males as "buddies" as opposed to "friends". The relationship with a male buddy is a lot more casual and usually activity oriented. My relationships with women are a lot more personal.