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What type of skier are you? [Funny]

Discussion in 'General Skiing' started by ski diva, Jan 6, 2017.

  1. ski diva

    ski diva Administrator Staff Member

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    The Green Mountain State (Vermont, baby!)
    I found this on Powder online, and I think it's hysterical. You know how you have to choose between Type 1, 2, or 3 skier when you get your bindings checked or mounted? This is a spoof on that:



    What Type of Skier Are You?

    Beginner, Total Bro, or Type Infinity?

    January 06, 2017 By The Jaded Local

    STANDARD SKIER TYPES AND BINDING SETTINGS

    Type 1
    Cautious skiing on smooth slopes of gentle to moderate pitch. Lighter than average release settings. General confusion.

    Type 2
    Average retention/release settings for average skiing by average skiers.

    Type 3
    Fast skiing on slopes of moderate to steep pitch. Decreased releasability to reduce risk of inadvertent release.

    SUPPLEMENTARY TYPES AND RECOMMENDED SETTINGS

    Type 4
    “I’m pretty rad.” Make them sign another waiver and set bindings +1 tighter than the recommended Type 3 setting.

    Type 5
    Had a Bad Experience Once and wants heels set tighter than toes or vice versa. If they have obvious facial scarring from a possible Superman-type double-ejection event, it’s probably going to be the heels.

    Type 6
    Total bro who rolls in with a remount when the shop is dead and saves you from terminal boredom. Hook settings up however he wants, do bonus edge work and wax, collect beer and high fives. Now it’s almost lunch time.

    Type 7
    Total bro who rolls in with a binding remount when it’s busy and totally needs them right now. Stress out while doing the remount in the middle of the afternoon rush and drill a couple of bonus holes when you mis-align the jig. Your bro will be all, “Thanks, bro, I’ll totally hook you up when I get back from Jackson,” but he’ll never hook you up and the manager will be all, “What’s up with all the bro tunes around here lately?”

    Type 8
    Skier with ancient bindings that are turning yellow and stress-cracking from plastic degradation who gets all pissed when you tell them they need new bindings. They will not buy new bindings but will demand a discount on rental skis, which they will grumble about rather than thanking you for saving them from a Superman-type double-ejection event.


    Type 9
    Type 4 skier with his first Dynafit rig who plans on skiing it inbounds all the time with the toes locked out, “So I can still get after it.” Urge them to Google “spiral tib-fib fracture” before agreeing to anything.

    Type 10
    Social Media Skier who requires a light setting but wants bindings to look like they are set to burly mode for downward-pointing chairlift Instagram posts. Set as normal, then use Sharpie to carefully modify the toe-piece DIN indicators to appear as if they are set on 17 instead of 7.

    Type 11
    Visitor to Colorado who has underestimated the edibles he bought at the dispensary. Set skis aside. Find them a chair and some goldfish crackers. Soothe them with this Bill Hicks line: “We are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are all the imagination of ourselves.”

    Type 12
    Guy who comes in with his girlfriend/wife and tells you exactly what she “needs” without letting her speak. Set his bindings correctly, then covertly remove all wax from his skis. It’s a small gesture in the fight against patriarchal oppression, but never underestimate the power of No Wax.

    Type 13
    Guy who complains that the demo fleet doesn’t have skis in a 198 because he totally needs that even though anyone who needs the biggest, baddest skis already owns a pair and isn’t bothering some hungover kid in a ski shop about it.

    Type 14
    Type 13 skier who needs their settings cranked because they are such experts, but are incapable of turning a fucking screw themselves and setting the damn things wherever they want like a grown-ass adult. Go outside and blow a quick one-hitter behind the dumpsters.

    Type 15
    Someone with a tele or AT setup so weird, janky, or complex that only God can help them. Make the sign of the cross, hand them the screwdriver, and point them to the workbench.

    Type 16
    Skier who asks you endless detailed questions about new skis while shopping for them online on his phone. Set bindings as recommended and stealthily insert small pieces of hardware such as washers or screws between their boot liner and shell.

    Type 17
    Skier with $50,000 Audi and brand new skis that he bought somewhere else who complains about the price of a $35 binding mount. Offer them a complimentary tune and then file skis to razor sharpness from tip to tail and leave the burr for maximum hookiness.

    Type Infinity
    So good they have transcended bindings and require nothing more than a perfunctory sandpapering of the top sheet for retention.

    Type Zero
    Monoskier. Mandatory non-release settings.
     
    W8N2SKI, AdkLynn, nopoleskier and 5 others like this.
  2. bounceswoosh

    bounceswoosh Moderator & Angel Diva Staff Member

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    I like to think I'm type 6, but I'm just boring ol' type 3.
     
  3. Liquid Yellow

    Liquid Yellow Ski Diva Extraordinaire

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    I'm none of those, when we hit the snow we've paid ££££ so we love it no matter what!!

    Just waiting for French resorts to sort a decent cup of tea. You know water boils at a lower temp at altitude so we get sh*t tea when we go skiing? One bad thing about skiing. We proper love tea in the UK. It really is a thing. PG Tips if you ever need decent tea.
     
  4. santacruz skier

    santacruz skier Angel Diva

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    It's all over London but we can get it here too.. No herbal tea, huh? Or milk in tea? Tried it for the first time when staying at chalet run by Brits in Chamonix . Not bad.
     
    newboots likes this.
  5. bounceswoosh

    bounceswoosh Moderator & Angel Diva Staff Member

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    Well, the first three are just from the standard questionnaire they give you when you have your bindings set up ...
     
    snow addict likes this.
  6. Liquid Yellow

    Liquid Yellow Ski Diva Extraordinaire

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    I figured, but that's not the "funny" bit - and I'm none of those. The rest of my post was drivel though, I'll admit that :becky:
     
    3VSki likes this.
  7. bounceswoosh

    bounceswoosh Moderator & Angel Diva Staff Member

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    No, no! And yes, boiling water is a real issue for coffee and tea.
     
    Liquid Yellow likes this.
  8. Fluffy Kitty

    Fluffy Kitty Ski Diva Extraordinaire

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    Isn't there a pressurized tea-water boiler for high-altitude camping? Maybe you can bring it and hand it to them.

    Oooh... There was a heated debate about this on another thread...
     
  9. snow addict

    snow addict Ski Diva Extraordinaire

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    Only black tea requires 100 C water to brew, all other teas actually taste worse when are made with water that hot. The same goes for coffee. It needs 95C for a good taste, above it will be rubbish. So the solution is simple: avoid black tea when in the mountains but all other beverages won't be affected that much at altitude.
     
  10. snow addict

    snow addict Ski Diva Extraordinaire

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    95 degrees (Celsius) for coffee and only 70-80 degrees for green tea, all usually easily achieved at most resorts altitude. 100 C waster should never be used for coffee, it destroys the flavour.
     
  11. bounceswoosh

    bounceswoosh Moderator & Angel Diva Staff Member

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    All I know is that it's damn hard to make a good cup of coffee at altitude in a drip system, and even getting coffee at a shop.
     
  12. snow addict

    snow addict Ski Diva Extraordinaire

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    Which altitude? The temperature should be 91-96 C, ideally 95. I use a Bialetti moka pot in the resort and coffee comes out perfect. We are at 1550 meters, but even in a little bar at 3330 meters they serve very good coffee.
     
  13. bounceswoosh

    bounceswoosh Moderator & Angel Diva Staff Member

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    *shrug* I knows what I knows. I don't know why. It could be my tastebuds at altitude, not the coffee.
     
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  14. Liquid Yellow

    Liquid Yellow Ski Diva Extraordinaire

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    But Brits can't survive without a decent cuppa! :cry:
     
  15. snow addict

    snow addict Ski Diva Extraordinaire

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    And without full English :smile:
     
  16. newboots

    newboots Angel Diva

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    I had to scroll up to see what this thread used to be about!
     
    SkiGAP, AdkLynn and Fluffy Kitty like this.
  17. SkiBilly

    SkiBilly Ski Diva Extraordinaire

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    Haha # 10. Really, is that a thing? Do 'Bro' skiers (or is it Bra? ...is this the female tag or a Kiwi version of bro??) really look at the DIN setting? I'm #2...I don't even care about DIN...just got the ski shop guy to set it when I bought my new boots to protect my intermediate level knees. I get them to wax my skis too
     
    newboots likes this.
  18. bounceswoosh

    bounceswoosh Moderator & Angel Diva Staff Member

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    You should probably care about the DIN, just to be sure someone didn't screw up.
     
    volklgirl and SkiBilly like this.
  19. lisamamot

    lisamamot Ski Diva Extraordinaire

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    I love 11 and 12, lol.

    Not covered here, but I am the "please don't dock me for my age" type....sometimes that gets a "no problem" other times, the waiver comes out. I should probably just fill out the form without fuss, and then change the DIN with my handy tool. Alternatively, I can be back up and freeze my age at 49 and lie on the form....I am just too much of a rule follower for that....sigh.
     
    volklgirl and newboots like this.
  20. AdkLynn

    AdkLynn Certified Ski Diva

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    On the other hand, I recently had a lcl strain that put me out for three weeks. I always do my own tuning and adjusting. Set my new Squires to the same din as my old Markers, they didn't release, and ow! Took em to the shop, they tested and reset them, way worth the money! Learned my lesson!