Train in Vain

[M Kromd]

Note: According to my best friend, all of you are enablers because you laughed at my post. Now you have no one to blame but yourselves for reading the chaos that I call my life. With that...let me say this: Hands-down, The Clash is the greatest band of all time, period. It’s also what I listen to in my head while skiing and what I actually listen to while running through my neighborhood during the warmer months. And while it may work on the slopes because it’s just me and the mountain, between the months of May and September, it’s like a surreal, post-punk soundtrack for my suburban life. No really, it’s true. I feel like I’m trapped in a David Lynch movie as I listen to London Calling on my iPod and wave at Stepford wives with strollers and affluent business men with accessory dogs, all-the-while waiting to see an ear randomly lying on the road. But I digress.

The point is that every spring I get back from my ski trip, realize I’m woefully out of shape, and start running again. And by running, I mean that I’m lying to you. I actually do the Couch Potato to 5K, which goes something like this: after you map out a route, get new shoes and make a play list, you have to actually use all of it… at the same time. Now, for the record, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that there are as many stages of grief as there are kilometers to finish or that they intersect at key points along the way. For example:

At 1K, I immediately go into Denial. This is the part where I say to myself, “Self, I don’t care if I stroke out and die. I’m actually ready to meet my Maker.” That said, whether or not God is prepared to meet me is an entirely different question. Personally, I’m betting no, which technically means that I shouldn’t need to run after all. I’m just saying.

At 2K, I hit the second phase, Anger. At this stage, I find myself furious at people who name races. Instead of things like The Kafka 5K or Dante’s Marathon - Where you think you’re getting hotter but it’s only because you’re going through Hell, they misleadingly call it stuff like, “Run for your life…” which is ironic, because my life was actually better and happier before I went for a jog. Seriously.

At 3K, you begin to Bargain. No lie, I will actually begin to believe that I should give up skiing and just go on Lipitor because it’s possible to achieve better living through pharmaceuticals; which makes me think that I lost the war on drugs; which makes me think of George Bush, who said the same thing about America’s War on Drugs; which makes me laugh because somewhere a bunch of stoners are eating Doritos and winning.

At 4K, because I realize that someone is eating junk food and watching Cheech and Chong while I’m sweating profusely and silently swearing at strangers, I become Depressed. I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want to be bitter and hostile, but I have to be, because my cholesterol sucks and I have a ski “habit” that I’m forced to feed. That’s right, I’m the victim here.

At 5K, I transcend into Acceptance. In other words, the pain stops but only because I'm finally home. Now, in the spirit of full disclosure, if you were to see me pull into my driveway, you would think I had just finished a half-marathon. One because of the amount of time I was gone, and two because I look like Rocky on the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art. No wonder my neighbor stands at his mailbox and yells, “Finish strong!” I want to scream back, "Are you serious? The only thing I finish strongly are books, doughnuts and New York Times crossword puzzles." But I like him, so I don't. Instead I politely wave and listen to Death or Glory as I limp into my air-conditioned house.

On the up-note, my ski trip is over, it’s almost spring in the Mid-West, and I’m about to start this yearly ritual… yeah? So you know, by, "Yeah," I mean if ANYONE has better advice on how to get in shape for ski season, I’d really love to hear it.

 

[bounceswoosh]

LOL. But to inject a note of reality - you're not supposed to jog 5k on the first day of C25K! That's the whole point!

I tried couch to 5k a couple of years ago. I think I would have had a strong chance if I hadn't also been doing lots of indoor rock climbing and oh, right, krav maga. So I would come home from an hour of total butt-whipping at the krav maga class, intended to drain every last gram of energy from your body - and then turn right around and go run. And then go out the next day and climb for two hours. Rinse, repeat. Oh, also I ignored the advice about starting slow, because that was obviously advice for people who weren't already active, so that didn't apply to me. Oddly(?), my joints couldn't take all the abuse and I eventually gave up.

I have trouble with moderation. It's not really my thing.

The other trouble with running for me is that it seems like a total waste to go without a dog, so I would put Cooper on a leash. This resulted in lots of unscheduled stops for pee breaks, not to mention the pure joy of jogging with a warm bag of dog poop flopping against my hand. Now I have two dogs, and they egg each on to behave like total demons when on leash, so just fuggeddaboutit.

 

[altagirl]

Hah - yeah, I have to use a C25K app on my phone that tells me when to walk and when to run or I would try to run the whole thing at the start too. Moderation doesn't come naturally to me either!

But... bottom line, I think you just have to figure out what sort of regular exercise you actually enjoy. If it's torture, you won't stick with it. Haha, and if you start with the 5k part, you aren't likely to stick with running. ;) I end up doing more yoga than anything, but it's what I enjoy the most. But I also run and bike and work out at the gym.

So, I can't say what exactly you should do, other than to try a few different things this summer and figure out what sort of exercise you have the most fun doing. Biking, swimming, hiking, who knows. The biggest danger is that you'll be like me and get hooked enough on your summer sports that you switch to your summer sports before the end of ski season. ;)

 

[M Kromd]

LOL. But to inject a note of reality - you're not supposed to jog 5k on the first day of C25K! That's the whole point!

I tried couch to 5k a couple of years ago. I think I would have had a strong chance if I hadn't also been doing lots of indoor rock climbing and oh, right, krav maga. So I would come home from an hour of total butt-whipping at the krav maga class, intended to drain every last gram of energy from your body - and then turn right around and go run. And then go out the next day and climb for two hours. Rinse, repeat. Oh, also I ignored the advice about starting slow, because that was obviously advice for people who weren't already active, so that didn't apply to me. Oddly(?), my joints couldn't take all the abuse and I eventually gave up.

I have trouble with moderation. It's not really my thing.

The other trouble with running for me is that it seems like a total waste to go without a dog, so I would put Cooper on a leash. This resulted in lots of unscheduled stops for pee breaks, not to mention the pure joy of jogging with a warm bag of dog poop flopping against my hand. Now I have two dogs, and they egg each on to behave like total demons when on leash, so just fuggeddaboutit.

hi bounceswoosh - OK, clearly we're in different leagues That said, I'm DETERMINED to work my way into the Couch Potato to 5K this year. About jogging with your dog(s), I literally LOL'd. My dog is CRAZY! The handful of times I've tried to run with her, we never even got to the whole "bagging the poop" thing... because she either ATE it or ROLLED in it. Yes. Really. One time she was literally smeared from nose to tail and smelled like the green pea scene the Exorcist. No lie, I found that (instead of running behind her) she was chasing me, and I was throwing water from my water bottle/screaming, "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU." Because she's part Rottweiler, she eye-balled me the whole run home like, "I will cut you." And then, as soon as we got home, the Labrador part of her was like, "I rolled in this for you because I love you. You're welcome. Now pet me... please."

 

[bounceswoosh]

Oh god. I am so glad neither of my dogs is a roller!

 

[M Kromd]

Hah - yeah, I have to use a C25K app on my phone that tells me when to walk and when to run or I would try to run the whole thing at the start too. Moderation doesn't come naturally to me either!

But... bottom line, I think you just have to figure out what sort of regular exercise you actually enjoy. If it's torture, you won't stick with it. Haha, and if you start with the 5k part, you aren't likely to stick with running. ;) I end up doing more yoga than anything, but it's what I enjoy the most. But I also run and bike and work out at the gym.

So, I can't say what exactly you should do, other than to try a few different things this summer and figure out what sort of exercise you have the most fun doing. Biking, swimming, hiking, who knows. The biggest danger is that you'll be like me and get hooked enough on your summer sports that you switch to your summer sports before the end of ski season. ;)

hi altagirl - Thank you for the reply Unfortunately, moderation comes BEAUTIFULLY to me - LOL. I find that I'm a natural. That said, I'm going to take your advice (and bounceswoosh's) and try and ease my way into it this year, but you gave me an AWESOME idea. My best friend wants to do a biathlon, so maybe I'll bike with her. You know what? This could work. About yoga, I've been trying to leave my office to get to the lunch class, but I never seem to make it out the door on time, and I don't want to be that person who comes in late and disrupts everyone's mojo. When that's happened to me, I'm like, "AH! I'm sure I was JUST about to achieve Nirvana. Now I'm stuck coming back as a worm." I know that''s an inaccurate knee-jerk reaction, but it is what goes through my head.

 

[M Kromd]

Oh god. I am so glad neither of my dogs is a roller!

You should be. She once ran towards some kids at the park (just to be loved on) and they were like, "PUPPY!!!!" and all I could scream was, "Unclean! Unclean!"

 

[altagirl]

hi altagirl - Thank you for the reply Unfortunately, moderation comes BEAUTIFULLY to me - LOL. I find that I'm a natural. That said, I'm going to take your advice (and bounceswoosh's) and try and ease my way into it this year, but you gave me an AWESOME idea. My best friend wants to do a biathlon, so maybe I'll bike with her. You know what? This could work. About yoga, I've been trying to leave my office to get to the lunch class, but I never seem to make it out the door on time, and I don't want to be that person who comes in late and disrupts everyone's mojo. When that's happened to me, I'm like, "AH! I'm sure I was JUST about to achieve Nirvana. Now I'm stuck coming back as a worm." I know that''s an inaccurate knee-jerk reaction, but it is what goes through my head.

Well, when you do make it, chat with the teacher. I know for the most part, classes that are either at lunchtime or right after work - the teachers will encourage you to come in a few minutes late, and people generally understand that sometimes getting out of the office on time/dealing with rush hour traffic can be out of your control. Obviously it depends on the individual studio/teacher, but that's my experience. (Plus, at most studios, the teacher gets paid according to how many people attend class, so they're not likely to turn you away unless it's studio policy or something!)

And training with your friend sounds fun. Heh, signing up for something stupid that you're totally unprepared for can work out too (as long as that looming deadline would actually make you train). Find like a local bike ride thing with a distance you'd need to prepare for and do it with your friend. Most years I do at least one century ride. Last year was a 70 miler with a timed hill climb in the middle (eek!). Sometimes it's just a commitment with other friends to ride a big mountain pass climb that makes me get my butt in gear and pedal. But publicly committing to doing something like that makes me put the time in. This year, my friend and I agreed to do a half marathon in November. I still have plenty of time, but knowing that's out there makes me run more often...

 

[mustski]

I obviously need to find a dance-a-thon!

 

[abc]

The biggest danger is that you'll be like me and get hooked enough on your summer sports that you switch to your summer sports before the end of ski season. ;)

Talk about that "danger", given how much I was hooked on cycling, it's surprising that I ever get to ski at all!

The real reason, of course, was more twisted. I quit skiing due to knee pain. But after cycling for several years (and no skiing during those years), my knees stopped hurting so I decided I can ski again after all!

 

[bounceswoosh]

I made a stupid commitment! The Tough Mudder in September. My team is about six people from work. I think the training will be great. I did pay to do the event, but I'm not going to force myself if it doesn't feel right.

 

[M Kromd]

Well, when you do make it, chat with the teacher. I know for the most part, classes that are either at lunchtime or right after work - the teachers will encourage you to come in a few minutes late, and people generally understand that sometimes getting out of the office on time/dealing with rush hour traffic can be out of your control. Obviously it depends on the individual studio/teacher, but that's my experience. (Plus, at most studios, the teacher gets paid according to how many people attend class, so they're not likely to turn you away unless it's studio policy or something!)

And training with your friend sounds fun. Heh, signing up for something stupid that you're totally unprepared for can work out too (as long as that looming deadline would actually make you train). Find like a local bike ride thing with a distance you'd need to prepare for and do it with your friend. Most years I do at least one century ride. Last year was a 70 miler with a timed hill climb in the middle (eek!). Sometimes it's just a commitment with other friends to ride a big mountain pass climb that makes me get my butt in gear and pedal. But publicly committing to doing something like that makes me put the time in. This year, my friend and I agreed to do a half marathon in November. I still have plenty of time, but knowing that's out there makes me run more often...

Sorry it took me so long to reply to your really kind post. I'll give the yoga advice a shot. About the rest, WOW! You're amazing. Seventy to one-hundred mile bike rides? Half marathons? Seriously - KUDOS! That's impressive. I told TB that I would do the biking part of the duathlon with her, and she said, "You might be the only cyclist who drafts behind a runner." Sad but true.

 

[M Kromd]

Talk about that "danger", given how much I was hooked on cycling, it's surprising that I ever get to ski at all!

The real reason, of course, was more twisted. I quit skiing due to knee pain. But after cycling for several years (and no skiing during those years), my knees stopped hurting so I decided I can ski again after all!

That's AWESOME about your knee (the STOP hurting part not the pain part). I torqued mine at Aspen a few years ago, and it hurts from time-to-time, but I can usually push through.

 

[M Kromd]

I made a stupid commitment! The Tough Mudder in September. My team is about six people from work. I think the training will be great. I did pay to do the event, but I'm not going to force myself if it doesn't feel right.

hey there - go you! Several of my friends did the Tough Mudder (I just went and cheered them on), and they loved it. That said, they had the same healthy perspective: Don't force it if it doesn't feel right. GOOD LUCK TRAINING!

 

[bounceswoosh]

hey there - go you! Several of my friends did the Tough Mudder (I just went and cheered them on), and they loved it. That said, they had the same healthy perspective: Don't force it if it doesn't feel right. GOOD LUCK TRAINING!

Thanks! I checked with my team, all co-workers, to feel out their commitment level. It sounds like they are mostly committed to having fun, and there is at least one other person who is considering skipping one event and is more interested in the experience than the badge of completing it. I think I'm with the right crew!

 

[Pequenita]

I made a stupid commitment! The Tough Mudder in September. My team is about six people from work. I think the training will be great. I did pay to do the event, but I'm not going to force myself if it doesn't feel right.

I did Tough Mudder 2.5(?) years ago. Short story: I'm not the target demographic. But, I had fun! I have write-ups of my experience on my blog.

 

[bounceswoosh]

I did Tough Mudder 2.5(?) years ago. Short story: I'm not the target demographic. But, I had fun! I have write-ups of my experience on my blog.

I read your blog post, and I don't see "I'm not the target demographic" in there anywhere. You mean, because you were satisfied just doing it once?

This one is in Aspen (altitude) and I will happily hike 10 miles, but run? Eek. I'm told it's not much in the way of running, anyway. I thought you point about getting stuck behind people was interesting. One of the women on my team participated last year, wasn't able to complete it due to an injury, and is burning to finish it this year. So in any case we have beta, although the last few years were at Beaver Creek (that would have been great for the lower altitude), so it's more general than specific.

 

[Pequenita]

I read your blog post, and I don't see "I'm not the target demographic" in there anywhere. You mean, because you were satisfied just doing it once?

I'm lukewarm about mud/obstacle runs, and you're probably right that I didn't say anything particularly negative about Tough Mudder in the blog posts. Tough Mudder out here has a very high military influence and is marketed to 30 to 45 y.o. guys who usually spend their spare time in the frontcountry but want to do a guy's weekend (NYT article). There was a lot of testosterone, and it was probably 70% male.

The value added for everyone is the camaraderie, but -- at least for the Virginia version -- I think someone who has never had backcountry experience will find the experience to be more of an adrenaline rush than someone who has. Going in, I was most concerned about the safety issues because some of this stuff is sketchy -- I really did slam the back of my head on the mystery obstacle. There is a lot of waiting around for the obstacles to clear, so if you can, try to get an early start. I don't remember there being a course marshal or anyone making sure that a particular obstacle didn't get too crowded, so you need to self-gage your distance from other participants (especially the ones that involve gravity), clear out quickly, and hope that the people behind you do so as well.

 

[bounceswoosh]

I'm going to stop hijacking this thread and start a separate thread in which I can inquire about / express angst about the Tough Mudder ... sorry @M Kromd !

 

[Dtrick924]

Now that my ski season is officially over I am going to attempt the C25K again.

I tried last year but quit half way through the program. I always end up pushing too hard at first, getting really sore and then punking out and not finishing.