Shyness and social gatherings

[surfsnowgirl]

My office christmas party was tonight and oh how I hate these things. I am frighteningly shy and social gatherings/migle fests are my worst nightmare. Its much better now for me at my company because I have been there for going on 3 years buy oy vey. All our social gatherings are not seated dinners and such but are just open rooms and what I like to call mingle fests.

Its very strange to me because I lived in SoCal for 15 years and just about all my friends in Cali are people with whom I have worked over the years. When I am in my work element I am very comfortable, at least in Cali and social gathers and happy hours were very prevalent and fun. Here in CT its much more of a nightmare for me. I kind of feel like I am swimming up stream fighting my way through. After 2 complete years here I finally feel comfortable with my work folk where these social gatherings are "sorta" fun but its still not without moments of standing around going ok who do I talk to next. Maybe its similar with others and I just don't know of their struggles but I am so glad I am home.

We have our company annual meeting in february and I am not really dreading it as much because I know people now and feel more comfortable but I still have this social anxiety high school feeling that comes over me whenever I am in a mingle type of situation.

I was so socially awkward in junior and high school school and was picked on a lot and I'm trying to shake it loose but sometimes i just feel like that uncool kid when put in a social situation. I think I am cool and my friends like me (I think lol ) but theses things are just terrifying to me and remind me of junior high/high school.

I was wondering if others go through this and if so what their coping mechanism is.

 

[marzNC]

Sounds familiar. At some point I found a book that was specifically about how to handle social situations required as a professional. One thing that I remember was the suggestion to come up with a brief self-introduction. Or maybe a couple to cover slightly different situations. And then practice it in whatever way works best. For instance, write it down a few times or practice saying it out loud.

 

[contesstant]

Oh you are definitely not alone! Ditto here! I'm SO much happier in settings with fewer people OR seated at a dinner where you can carry on a conversation and have other people participate, not just small talk but actual conversations.

It's called being an introvert, and it's OK!

My coping mechanism when I was younger was to drink LOL! Now, it's to drink! OK, not really. I tend to not have to attend such things any more. Even in our neighborhood where we have little gatherings, I feel out of place, too. What's funny is I can banter with strangers in the ski lodge or on the lift like nobody's business. But put me in a group where I have very little in common? Ack!

 

[altagirl]

My strategy is just the usual attempt to try to chat with people I know I have something in common with. When things get too uncomfortable and I run out of things to chit chat about (which happens fast!), my coping mechanism is to head to the bathroom and close my eyes and take some deep yoga breaths until I'm feeling comfortable again and then go back out for another attempt.

 

[SheSki]

Imagine yourself as a kind of (nice) journalist asking questions for your story about the person you're talking to. Quickly you'll realize most people are all too happy to answer and tell you all about themselves and most people say something interesting to follow up on. Forget about yourself and your stories (for the most part) and it's much easier to relax about small talk.

 

[alicie]

I try to avoid anything like that. If that fails then I usually default to the weather or holidays(vacations). Failing that I stand there and nod along. I'm not socially awkward, I'm completely socially incompetent. Usually speaking about them is the best tactic, or tag along with someone who is good at small talk.

 

[ling]

I'm NOT an introvert, yet I have trouble making small talk in office parties. I think that's because everyone else was there "networking". And I'm in no position for them to bother "network" with! Nor do I bother networking others. Once we finish the self-introduction, it's clear we're just carrying on until it's socially acceptable to say goodbye! So I found the forced small talk utterly mindnumbing!

Come to think of it, we had our companywide Christmas party 2 days ago. Only about 1/3 of my co-workers showed up at the party! I think it's because we work in a meritocracy environment, so not much weight on such office networking. I did chat with a few people I know well, and a few people I didn't know before. Totally non-consequential! The food and the drink was fine and I enjoyed that. But I left quite early, as soon as it's socially acceptable...

 

[Bonnie2617]

I am the same way. I try to either find someone who I feel is more shy than me (I have an easier time chatting them up) or I follow a person who I am comfortable with who is a bit more chattier than I am. I can piggyback on their convos with others. And I know standing alone and thinking about who you can talk to next is a terrible feeling and part of that is thinking that other people are noticing it...but I really do not think that is the case. Everyone is busy doing their own thing so you don't have to worry about people really noticing how uncomfortable you really are. I also like to advertise my anti-social nature to the few co-workers that I am close with. So when I need to follow them around they are very understanding

And as I get older I realize this is just the way that I am and there is nothing wrong with that. I prefer to have a few close friends who know me in and out and understand my shy nature rather than have a ton of acquaintances.

 

[surfsnowgirl]

Thanks divas I feel better. I will try what you ladies suggested and see what happens. I am so much more comfortable in a small group of people at a dinner or a sit down type of happy hour. However, something happens when its a giant open room and people standing around talking to each other. When I am with my friends or peeps with whom I am comfortable I am outgoing and personable but something about this open room, standing around and all of that OMG. Then if its a buffet type of thing and there's seating I have major flash backs to junior or high school and OMG where to sit, who to talk to, its awful. I am going to try to remember that others likely feel the same way I do and that I just need to pretend I am comfortable and maybe I will start to feel better.

 

[Mary Tee]

It feels so good to hear I am not the only one...I dread office parties...I am terrible at small talk!

 

[mustski]

I can't stand parties of any sort. Even a day of skiing and talking with strangers all day exhausts me. My strategy at parties is two fold - avoid going if at all possible and once there look for a dog to play with.

 

[bounceswoosh]

Count me as another person who hates big gatherings. I never know who I'm supposed to be talking to. I usually would prefer to just find one person and talk to them all night, but that only works if that person is amenable to it ...

 

[Jenny]

I know I've seen this before, but . . .

 

[surfsnowgirl]

Love that @Jenny so funny. I am not a fan of mingle fests and feel so much better i am not alone, Omg thats me on the floor playing with the dog in the room.

 

[Christy]

I am going to try to remember that others likely feel the same way I do and that I just need to pretend I am comfortable and maybe I will start to feel better.

That. Some of the most extroverted people I know claim to feel socially awkward. And as adults, when we do meet people that are very obviously shy or whatever...so? You don't think less of anyone because they are sitting in a chair at a party petting a cat or whatnot.

I used to have a lot of social anxiety and I don't know what changed, but I rarely feel it anymore. It could just be because in all of my social groups--neighbors, co-workers, animal shelter volunteers--I've known so many people a long time, and so I really look forward to the parties we have and getting a chance to see them.

 

[bounceswoosh]

I think there may be a correlation between introverts and people who frequent online forums. Maybe a way to interact while controlling the volume and frequency.

 

[sibhusky]

I don't know. My daughter feels she is an introvert and hates online forums. I vary depending on the number of beers and the crowd, and have been doing online forums for decades.

 

[bounceswoosh]

I don't know. My daughter feels she is an introvert and hates online forums. I vary depending on the number of beers and the crowd, and have been doing online forums for decades.

Well, one outlier data point does not invalidate the data.

Then again, what I have can hardly be called data ;-) Just a suspicion.

 

[altagirl]

Love that @Jenny so funny. I am not a fan of mingle fests and feel so much better i am not alone, Omg thats me on the floor playing with the dog in the room.

Me too.

 

[Inoffensive Nickname]

I do best when I have a "buddy" at the gatherings who understands I am not a very social person. I don't cling, but it helps me to feel like I have an ally I can call on, "Oh, excuse me a moment, Susan has a question for me..." then I escape to the bathroom or something.