Sparking joy?

[Skier31]

I'm late to this thread ( I have had a very busy July) but read through all of it and found it validating. Part of the reason I have had such a my busy month was due to having to move my 89 year old father from NY to California. He had been living on his own, fell and couldn't manage in his house anymore. The maddening thing is he has not de-cluttered at all. He has always been a pack rat and now with his dementia he has moved into a full fledged hoarder. My brother and I spent close to 5 days just clearing the walkways of the house. It's absolutely overwhelming. I am totally the opposite and am constantly getting rid of things we don't use via craigslist, ebay family or my local buy nothing group. The problem with my Dads house if I could probably spend a year cleaning it out in the way I want - having every usable thing go to where it may be used. In the end we will probably hire a clearing service to empty it but we have to take some time to go through and get out whatever we want. Ugh.

So sorry, Jill. It is very difficult on so many levels. It is hard enough to see your parents struggling to live independently and then have to deal with the task of getting rid of things.

I looked at much of the stuff my mom and dad had and realized that some of it could have been used by others and some of it was just trash that took up space making everyday living more difficult in terms of finding things and household cleaning.

Everytime I threw things, that could not be donated or recycled, in the trash, I felt so sad to be dunping stuff into a landfill. It seems so wasteful.

 

[CarverJill]

Thanks <3 I just have to get over the fact that lots of usable things will end up in the landfill. This thread has made me realize that this kind of thing happens every day, its not just me and my family. Thats good to know despite how maddening it is.

 

[mustski]

I just recently moved from 2500 sq feet to 1000 sq feet. Granted the final place will be between 1200 and 1700 sq feet so right now some things I care about (but can't fit) are stored. The clean was huge but I stuck to lessons learned. About 12 years ago, my parents passed within 63 days of each other, and I had a hell of a year. They had not decluttered and my brother was pretty useless. I learned a few valuable lessons that I still stick to which might help others:
1. If it is of any value - monetarily or emotionally - keep it. You can always get rid of it later but you cannot get it back once gone.
2. If you have kids, pass on the stories. Something may look pretty ordinary but have an amazing family story. Let them know why you kept it.
3. It may not mean anything to you (this includes photos) but take the time to check with family and others in the photos. It may surprise you that you are holding the only copy of something of great emotional value to someone else.
4. USE IT! I take great pleasure in using Waterford crystal, Lennox crystal, and family heirlooms which were only displayed prior to my "inheritance." Every time we use them, I tell the story (if appropriate) but I have let go of the emotional junk if something gets broken.
5. When in doubt .... keep it. You can get rid of it next year.

 

[MI-skier]

I agree with using it! Although I did have a heart attack when I learned each colored crystal glass costs $450. Now when we use them and transport them to the kitchen for washing, I shout "clear the deck" and I handle only two at a time, one in each hand, firmly and securely. Ever since I was a little girl, the only thing I ever wanted passed down to me was this crystal set. I kinda wish I didn't know how valuable they are.

 

[santacruz skier]

When I was married, I got Lenox dishes and crystal..... and barely ever used. Finally sold it to a friend who loved my pattern ! Now have my parents beautiful china and some stemware.... hmm and still never use but will not get rid of.... also grandparents Limoges..... but the real gem is I wear my grandmothers engagement ring and have worn for the last 10 years I'd say. I have some of my mom's jewelry but not really my style.

 

[BlizzardBabe]

@Skier31, I want to avoid precisely the situation which you have described. I am only 65, but I have to face the fact that we may not live in our house forever, and we need to start to declutter. We have no children to help us when we get old, so now is a good time to start. Thanks for your post.

I'm with you, @skibum4ever . I'll be 60 next year and DH is 72. We have too much "stuff" and no children to give it to or to help us get rid of it. I just ordered Marie Kondo's first book. Seems like a good time to start clearing stuff out. I'm considering an eBay account since some of the items I no longer use could still be very useful to others and they are in good repair.

 

[Skier31]

I'm with you, @skibum4ever . I'll be 60 next year and DH is 72. We have too much "stuff" and no children to give it to or to help us get rid of it. I just ordered Marie Kondo's first book. Seems like a good time to start clearing stuff out. I'm considering an eBay account since some of the items I no longer use could still be very useful to others and they are in good repair.

I have not read the 2nd book but it appears the 2nd book has more of the “how to do” and the first book is more theory. I am going to get the 2nd book at the library and go back for round 2 of decluttering and organizing.

A couple of things I found interesting. I had a drawer full of trouser socks to wear with pants. They were a mish mash of socks I have accumulated over the years. I never wore them enough to wear them out. I started organizing them and realized that they were not what I needed. I got rid of them and ordered 2 sets of nice socks. They came in blue, black, beige and brown. 8 pairs and they all match. I now have exactly what I need and they take up less space. Simple example but I am hopeful to do with everything else.
I have also realized that many of my clothes are tired and worn out. By getting rid of the tired and worn out clothes, I can purchase some new items. I can dress a bit nicer and feel better.

I am not the touchy/feely/warm fuzzy woo woo person but this whole process has made a difference for me.

 

[mustski]

but the real gem is I wear my grandmothers engagement ring and have worn for the last 10 years I'd say. I have some of my mom's jewelry but not really my style.

I wear my mom’s ring. My parents had an intense love story and were secretly engaged for 7 years due to religious bigotry in Northern Ireland. It is a crazy story that led to complete isolation from family and friends and to eventual reconciliation. Three different rings tell the story. The one I wear is a true love gift from my dad to my mom25 years into their marriage. It’s going to kill me to give it to DS when the day comes. He plans to pull the diamond out and do a complete redesign. He was going to use the gold from my parents’ wedding bands but his lady desires whit gold. He was going to ignore her desire, but I explained that the ring needs to reflect their love. It will break my heart though. I love this gal though so I’m on board!

 

[Christy]

@mustski Wow, that's really generous of you but if I was in charge you would keep the ring and it wouldn't be changed! That's an heirloom with a great story.

 

[Christy]

Some of the comments here about cleaning parents' homes reminded me that when my MIL was cleaning hers before moving to assisted living, she believed that a lot of the items had monetary value and she wouldn't get rid of them unless she could get money for them. Unfortunately just because you paid money for something at one point doesn't make it worth anything. I couldn't understand why she wasn't willing to give furniture or whatnot away.

 

[Jenny]

@mustski Wow, that's really generous of you but if I was in charge you would keep the ring and it wouldn't be changed! That's an heirloom with a great story.

Agreed. Keep it, and maybe you’ll have a granddaughter who will love it the way it is . . . Or give it to her on their 25th anniversary.

I have the ring my grandpa gave my grandma on their 25th. My aunt inherited it, and then passed it on when we reached our 25th.

 

[BlizzardBabe]

I want a ski trip for my 25th.

 

[Skier31]

I discovered another benefit after my tidying frenzy. Packing for travel. I am not an advance packer. I usually end up doing laundry the night before and shoving too many clothes in my suitcase. The other night, I started packing to go to Florida. It was so easy to choose what I needed and packing was done in a short amount of time. Quick and mostly painless.

I think organization is like exercise. I needed to find what works and what is convenient and easy to do. This process has been a weird sort of therapy but I am enjoying the results.

 

[DeeSki]

I think organization is like exercise. I needed to find what works and what is convenient and easy to do.

I agree. I think it comes easier to some people but you can definitely learn to be tidier and more organized. I come from a long line of untidy, disorganized people, but we seem to improve with each generation. I’m still no neat freak but I’m way tidier and more organized than my parents. I’m only bothered by my own mess, though. I think I just blend out my parents’s mess whenever I visit. However, the dust that comes with wall to wall carpets, curtains and knick-knacks is a problem. My Mom and I both have asthma and I’m convinced she’d improve if she had less stuff in her house. She thinks my house is very bare!

 

[MI-skier]

I wear my mom’s ring. My parents had an intense love story and were secretly engaged for 7 years due to religious bigotry in Northern Ireland. It is a crazy story that led to complete isolation from family and friends and to eventual reconciliation. Three different rings tell the story. The one I wear is a true love gift from my dad to my mom25 years into their marriage. It’s going to kill me to give it to DS when the day comes. He plans to pull the diamond out and do a complete redesign. He was going to use the gold from my parents’ wedding bands but his lady desires whit gold. He was going to ignore her desire, but I explained that the ring needs to reflect their love. It will break my heart though. I love this gal though so I’m on board!

Ohh, that's a tough one. Is it possible to give the same monetary value of the ring and then be able to keep the original intact?

 

[mustski]

Ohh, that's a tough one. Is it possible to give the same monetary value of the ring and then be able to keep the original intact?

Nope. We are sentimental that way. A lucky ring is a lucky ring. He had hoped to simply use the same gold in a redesign ... but it's all good!

 

[Jenny]

Nope. We are sentimental that way. A lucky ring is a lucky ring. He had hoped to simply use the same gold in a redesign ... but it's all good!

Are you at least going to be able to use the gold to fashion a new ring for yourself?

 

[VickiK]

or earrings?

 

[mustski]

Possibly. There are 2 VERY wide bands - one is a wedding band and the other is set with the diamond. Gavin plans to have a wedding band made for himself. So we'll see after that. I have the original wedding band from when they took their actual vows. I got married with that band also and it is inscribed with the dates of their wedding and of ours. My niece has the Claddagh ring with which they were secretly engaged for 7 years. Their actual engagement ring - when they went public - was stolen when our house was broken into in the early 1970's. My dad's best friend was a jeweler and so the replacement love ring was carefully chosen and crafted. The actual design is simple and my mom didn't want a large diamond - just 1 carat - so my dad and his friend searched until they found the perfect choice. He always said it was the ring he wished he could have given her in the first place but was too broke to afford. My mom loved this ring!

 

[WaterGirl]

Netflix has a new show Tyding up with Marie Kondo
https://www.netflix.com/title/80209379