Overly dependent or just the way it is?

[alaski]

I guess this is just kind of a random vent based on some recent and not-so-recent experiences. Will the wise Divas weigh in and give me some perspective if needed?

I'm a pretty independent type of woman and don't always need to have my relationship be in the forefront of everything I do. So I am really frustrated with some of my friends (OK, most of my friends) who can't do or plan anything unless it is 100% planned around their boyfriend or spouse. I have a friend who won't even talk on the phone with me if her husband is around; she'll say "oh, Mike just came home, I have to go!" and hang up. We live 3000 miles apart so it's not as if we talk more than once a week, but even then the mere presence of her husband takes precedence over talking to me.

Another friend still wants to make plans with me, but only when her boyfriend is out of town. She doesn't understand why I think it's super lame to meet up for drinks but have a time limit on the evening because she wants to go over to her boyfriend's house later.

It seems that most of the time I only see my girlfriends when their boyfriends are busy or they're between relationships. They try to make time to hang out, but I do notice that it really is only that time that they couldn't see their boyfriends anyway. I have exactly one friend who doesn't cling on to her boyfriend 100% of the time. Do I just have a lame group of buddies or is this just the way it is in the world?

 

[ski now work later]

Time for some new friends. Over the years, people grow in different ways that are not always compatible. You need and deserve some friends who are more mature and value your friendship over their obsession with their partners.

I tell my daughters, girlfriends can be girlfriends forever, and boyfriends and husbands sometimes come and go, so don't diss your friends for a guy. So far, they appear to be listening and heeding my advice.

 

[abc]

Yep! You have a lame group of buddies.

 

[Kiragirl]

It is a shame that more girls/women cannot function on their own. Next time one of your friends (whose BF is busy) calls to do something, say you're busy.

 

[alaski]

It is as I suspected.

I'll keep the few good ones and be "busy" for the rest! I have to say though, at my age it's difficult to find friends who aren't perpetually busy with their SOs and/or kids. Sigh...

 

[Jilly]

SNWL - that is so true. Your girlfriends will stick with you through the break ups, divorces and other bad times. Not saying that husbands won't be there through the bad times. All girls need girl time. The guys get thier guy time be it a night at the bar, golf, hockey or football outings and drats even skiing. We have a group of girls that get together about 1 every 2 months. It might be a fashion show, a group dinner night out or a movie. Just out with the girls. I teach skiing to a ladies night group. The effect is the same. Gals gettting out with gals.

And alaski, I been where you are. I tried to get a gang of gals together to go skiing for a weekend. The excuses!! The best one was she couldn't trust her husband to feed the kids right. I response was maybe it was time to find out!! Pizza wasn't going to hurt for one night and KFC for a second! Then they might appreciate Mom a little more!

 

[alaski]

Oh yeah, the excuses! Getting a group together for girl time just doesn't happen these days. Although I shouldn't only gripe about women - I asked a male friend if he wanted to go climbing after work and he just about panicked and said he couldn't because his girlfriend wasn't "fond of extra company". Oh, nice. I felt like saying "hey pal, 'climbing' is not a euphemism, it really does just mean I want to go climbing! Don't flatter yourself!"

But I didn't. Say that, I mean.

 

[Kiragirl]

I hear the same stuff from my women "friends", and the funny part is...you'd think they would love to have a break from the kiddos or whatever! Not that the kids aren't great, but getting away for a little while is good, too. They should make their wonderful hubbies pitch in a bit more.

 

[alaski]

I think it's kind of funny when they acknowledge what they're doing - one friend told me she was only free to hang out during the week because her boyfriend is in town on weekends. Way to put your life on hold!

I think this bothers me so much because they do this with guys they barely know. We've been friends for five years but they'll push me aside for a guy they've known for a month? Grrr.

 

[michpc]

I've been lucky to have not really run into this with my real girlfriends in the past, but I've totally seen it in others. Guys as well. When people totally change their personality and schedules to suit their SO, it's alawys a bummer. Guess you can hope some of them come around someday? Everyone should be able to make time for friends. IMO, they're as important as SOs.

 

[RachelV]

...We've been friends for five years but they'll push me aside for a guy they've known for a month? Grrr.

Oh, ha, see -- I think everyone gets a grace period of a month or so when they're seeing someone new, if it seems really promising. People tend to kind of drop off the earth at the beginning of great new relationships, and I remember how that was and am generally ok with it. If they don't start making time for friends again after that, that's when it gets pretty lame. And I'm talking about a new RELATIONSHIP, not just some random dude they're going on dates with.

...Everyone should be able to make time for friends. IMO, they're as important as SOs.

More! More important! (IMO.) ;)

 

[Christy]

I think I'm lucky, too, since my girlfriends don't do this to me, though I certainly have heard about this from others. I guess the thing they are missing is that all relationships take some effort, and that if they want to keep friends they have to BE a friend.

Oh, ha, see -- I think everyone gets a grace period of a month or so when they're seeing someone new,

I'd cut the newly infatuated some slack too. There's nothing like being infatuated at the start of a relationship, where you want to be with the person 24/7...but once things calm down, it's just tacky to diss your friends like that.

***

This is kind of related: the thing that peeves me, now that I am in my late 30s and so many friends are coupled, is that I don't get to see a lot of my friends (esp. guy friends) alone anymore. They always bring SOs/spouses. If an SO isn't feeling well, they both cancel dinner plans. If an SO has to get up early the next day, they both decline late night drinks. My husband and I aren't like that--we don't feel an obligation to be joined at the hip--so I don't get why others are.

 

[amberula4]

The same thing has happened to me as I have gotten older. One of my girlfriends from elementary school got engaged. And told me flat out our lifestyles were to different to be friends. Due to the fact that I was single and she wasn't, and she looked down upon how I spent my free time. I was in complete shock. But in all reality it isn't a huge loss, because all she did was say she had to get permission to hang out with me, or just flat couldn't because her boyfriend didn't like it. If that is what married life is like I am not sure I could handle it. I need my girl time!!!! And I think males should have there bonding time too. Life does not have to come to a hault when you find a significant other.

Maybe us ski girls are just more independant .

 

[alaski]

Oh, ha, see -- I think everyone gets a grace period of a month or so when they're seeing someone new, if it seems really promising. People tend to kind of drop off the earth at the beginning of great new relationships, and I remember how that was and am generally ok with it. If they don't start making time for friends again after that, that's when it gets pretty lame.

Yeah, I agree for the most part. It just hasn't really slowed down after the month/grace period. The friend who gets off the phone when her husband comes home has been with him for 5 years! She doesn't get a pass.

Also, people seem to be "in relationships" after going on two or three dates, so I don't really want to give them a pass either. Two dates and they're ready to dump their friends?

 

[alaski]

This is kind of related: the thing that peeves me, now that I am in my late 30s and so many friends are coupled, is that I don't get to see a lot of my friends (esp. guy friends) alone anymore. They always bring SOs/spouses. If an SO isn't feeling well, they both cancel dinner plans. If an SO has to get up early the next day, they both decline late night drinks. My husband and I aren't like that--we don't feel an obligation to be joined at the hip--so I don't get why others are.

I am so glad to hear that there are people who DON'T act like that! It seems that most people do. I wonder if that's why so many marriages fall apart - too much pressure/together time/no independent time? It sure would get old for me....

 

[abc]

It maybe a certain "age group" thing though. Women getting anxious about finding "the guy" to marry before they pass the "marrigable age"?

As for girls not having girls time, I've heard it from both sides: my partner who didn't want to go anywhere without me or the other way around. Although the motivation was because we wanted to spend more time together, in the end, we realized that's NOT a healthy situation and we adjusted.

 

[alaski]

It maybe a certain "age group" thing though. Women getting anxious about finding "the guy" to marry before they pass the "marrigable age"?

I dunno, I think my social circle is well past "that age", lol!

 

[Jenny]

I feel for you - it's tough being friends with people only when it's convenient for them. I've tended to end up not making any effort then, either, and we end up drifting apart. Whether it's husbands or kids or whatever it's annoying that they can't carve out a little time for you, too. Like you're not valued enough. It gets on the nerves.

And I can definitely see why you'd be annoyed with the one married for 5 years!

I don't have that big of a circle of friends - never have - and the ones I'm closest with don't have a problem being independent, thank goodness. However, lately I've found myself thinking I should broaden my horizons, but it's hard. Hanging out here helps, though - Divas give good advice!

 

[PNWSkier]

I think it's kind of funny when they acknowledge what they're doing - one friend told me she was only free to hang out during the week because her boyfriend is in town on weekends. Way to put your life on hold!

I think this bothers me so much because they do this with guys they barely know. We've been friends for five years but they'll push me aside for a guy they've known for a month? Grrr.

I can relate to your friends but I have been married for 8 years. My situation is also a little different because my husband is in the military and is hardly ever home. I think he has been in our house for 3 days in the past 5 weeks. So, when he is home, all plans are dropped so that we can spend time together. I have been guilty of hanging up the phone with a long distance friend when he walks in the door. I figure there are plenty of times when I can talk to a friend on the phone but it is not often that I get to sit down with my husband. We have also been guilty of just doing family things and not socializing much when he is only going to be home for a short while. Of course, once he is home for more than a few days at a time I'm ready for time outside of him.
I can kind of see where your friends are coming from but don't totally agree with what they are doing. I could not deal with deployments and stuff without my friends. They will come around.

 

[sdskiqueen]

I've experienced the lame girlfriend as I'm sure everyone has - boy can I relate! I had one girlfriend who definitely fit that mold and was having an affair with her married boss (who by the way was married to the woman he was having an affair with while married to his first wife). Go figure! However, I have a girlfriend, Donna, who has been my friend for more than 25 plus years. I have to relate a really funny story about her because it really puts in all in perspective:

Early in my present marriage, I planned a birthday dinner for my husband (my third marriage and still going strong today 10 years later) and invited mutual friends. We all had a great time. One of my girlfriends turns to Donna and says "Isn't Philip wonderful, he's so sweet." My friend, Donna, politely replies in the affirmative, but with not quite the same unbridled enthuisasim. My friend, Donna, further replies, "Yes, of course, Philip is a wonderful guy, but you have to understand, I've known Peggy for a long, long time which means I've been her friend through three marriages and countless boyfriends. Most have come and gone, so I'm reserving judgment until I know this guy will treat her the way she should be treated."