OK, the 'don't let a SO teach to ski' thread

[Kimmyt]

I was just reading a thread on epic and felt a need to write this. I was going to write it there, but I guess I really am just trying to develop my thoughts on this.

My feelings are strongly anti-spousal instruction (or SO instruction). Not because I feel a friend or SO can't teach. But adding the teacher/student dynamic to a relationship is not always a good thing.

Coming from a slightly feminist perspective here, I'd hate to have the entire weight of the relationship resting on one person, even if it's 'just' skiing. It sends the partnership down a bad road, at least in my opinion.

I've been in a few relationships like this (not skiing, but other sport/hobbies), and none of them have been what you'd call healthy, for the relationship or for my personal abilities and growth within the activity. I was alwasy relying on someone else to do things for me.

I think that having one person in a relationship be the 'teacher' places that person in a superior role, and while some people may be able to handle this in a relationship with ease, just as many people may let this superior attitude on the slopes (or wherever) affect how things are handled in the relationship.

Plus it's hard to feel like a sport is your own if everything you discover was only discovered thanks to the help of your spouse/SO (which is rather different from paying someone to teach you and still feeling like you've discovered it yourself, with some guidance).

Differing opinions appreciated, just trying to hash out my thoughts on this matter.

K.

 

[Pequenita]

I think it depends on the dynamics of the relationship and the egos involved. I think there are times when having someone who knows you well as the teacher can actually be a good thing -- a good partner knows your limits and will properly encourage you to hit those marks and can also maneuver around the fears you may have. I believe the dynamics in even a healthy relationship are always shifting and are not consistently in equilibrium; I think that it's okay to have times that one person has more "power" and other times when the other person does as long as it's not abused. Although, there are some people who like being doted on/reliant on another, who find partners that want to dote and be the provider. I have no idea if that's healthy, but it seems to exist happily.

What I think can be detrimental is when couples take beginner lessons together and develop at different speeds. That's a whole 'nother can of worms....or, even worse, the lesson has ended and one half of the couple decides to give tips to the other half who is struggling.

 

[badger]

learning with SO

I started to ski at the suggestion of my SO. He was returning to the sport after several years and had been doing it on his own early in our relationship. He wanted to involve me in something he loved and provided the opportunity to try it out. No pressure. He helped me purchase the appropriate clothing so I'd be comfortable. The smartest thing he did was enroll me in a group lesson on my first day ever wearing a pair of boots/skis. That way he knew I was taken care of (no guilt), and he could attack the slopes and have a great morning. I would never expect him to hang out with me while I am learning---just check in once in awhile. And that's how my first season went. He would ski on his own, meet me for a run or two after lunch to see how I was doing and try to correct mistakes, then off he'd go. I felt it would be selfish to take up his precious slope time.
What occurred subsequently, was that as I developed a little ability, he was skiing with me more and more. We now spend a fair portion of our ski days together. He feels comfortable with me knowing I won't expect attention...and then I actually get more of it. He does not teach well, but will watch and film me so we have memories of fun and progress. I'd say our relationship has been enhanced through skiing "together." Which really means, doing it on your own.

 

[altagirl]

For me, there are times where I'm just fine with my husband playing the instructor (or vice versa). That said - it has to be a mutual agreement. Today, let's work on... hand position. Watch me and tell me if I'm doing it right like we learned in Gordy's camp. And that works just fine.... until the next day when I'm just out having fun, get to the lift and hear the laundry list of things I did "wrong" in the run I thought was fun right up until I got to hear about why I suck today.

The rule is that feedback from your SO is fine - as long as you've asked for it. Unless I said - "watch this run and tell me how I look" or something, keep your mouth shut, thank you very much.

 

[MaineSkiLady]

Well, I'm in somewhat of an unusual situation, having married my ski instructor Pretty much set me up for a lifetime of private lessons! I guess since our earliest relationship was as teacher/student, it's a scene we can revisit without issues?? Actually, he is a superb instructor (currently "inactive" with regard to ski school affiliation) and can give a 20 word suggestion in 10 seconds that can make a ton of difference. We've gotten to the point after this many years (33!!) where I can also help him out - it's easier for someone else to spot little things from afar. It all has to be based on positive reinforcement, though, which works best for all - plus asking for feedback as to how a suggested change of technique feels: better, different? How?

 

[volklgirl]

When my hubby decided he wanted to learn to ski after 6 months of marriage, I said "no way am I teaching you...I'll buy you a lesson". He said "you're a ski instructor!" I said "don't care, ain't happenin'". He said "look, I was in the Navy and know how to follow orders without question. Give it a shot and if I don't follow your directions to the letter you can get someone else to teach me." So I caved. Of course, he picked it up right away (wrestled, played basketball, football and baseball in high school, and was picked up by the White Sox after try-outs but ended up not going). I was lucky. I've seen the SO thing turn into a total disaster on many occasions.

Even now we analyze each other's technique, especially racing.

 

[abc]

I owe it to my ex-SO for my current level of skiing. He was a good instructor (teaches physics in colleage). He was able to help me over the dreaded "intermediate plateur". I was able to continue on my own thanks to him.

But he knows when to shut up. He's just not the kind that needs to tell other people down in order to feel good himself kind. He also understand a new technique takes time to take hold in the student.

Oh yes, we "discuss" how I ski, not "teach" me how to ski.

 

[joycemocha]

For another dynamic, then there's the parent-kid lesson duo.

My (adult) son wants to learn to ski. I signed him up for lessons rather than teach him myself. Yeah, yeah, I did start him out in riding myself, but I'm much more experienced with horses than I am with skiing.

I do kinda think that beyond the basic intro, in many cases, it's better to hand off the job to a pro--whether you're talking SO or child.

 

[Kano]

I started to ski at the suggestion of my SO. [snip] I would never expect him to hang out with me while I am learning---just check in once in awhile. And that's how my first season went. He would ski on his own, meet me for a run or two after lunch to see how I was doing and try to correct mistakes, then off he'd go. I felt it would be selfish to take up his precious slope time.
What occurred subsequently, was that as I developed a little ability, he was skiing with me more and more. We now spend a fair portion of our ski days together. He feels comfortable with me knowing I won't expect attention...and then I actually get more of it. He does not teach well, but will watch and film me so we have memories of fun and progress. I'd say our relationship has been enhanced through skiing "together." Which really means, doing it on your own.

Badger, your story sounds a lot like mine/ours!

I ski now because DH decided I would/should/could learn and signed us up for lessons one late season week. (he skied before I knew him)

Like you, I preferred to be left to my own devices and checked up on, rather than holding anyone back. Also like you, the more I learned/learn, the more time we spend skiing together!

He's a more agressive skier than I am, and so goes off on his own to start the day. By the time I'm feeling warmed up and ready to challenge myself a bit, he's worn himself down enough where what challenges me is fun for him -- and then as I "tire" we ski some easy runs together before hitting the road home again at the end of the day.

We have taken classes together -- the first series, back in '01, (when I got home from a business trip and found out I'd missed my first ski lesson that I didn't know I'd been signed up for!) and last year we took a series together too. I was a little surprised that they put us at the same level! Not sure yet what this year will bring, but we're looking forward to seeing what happens!

Kano

 

[num]

Of course, he picked it up right away (wrestled, played basketball, football and baseball in high school, and was picked up by the White Sox after try-outs but ended up not going).

As in my White Sox? The southside hitmen? The good guys? The ChiSox? The pale hose? The go-go sox?

Forgive my rambles, I love that team like a family member

 

[Ski Spirit]

I tried skiing once about 20 years ago, hated it, vowed to never have anything to do with a skier (because I knew how fanatical they could be). Got together w/my husband having no knowledge that he skied. After we had been together for quite awhile, he suggested a Tahoe Xmas trip and it all came out...I agreed to go and I took a ski lesson (only for his benefit). However, he had gone to the trouble to ensure that I was very well equipped and I discovered I could be very comfortable in freezing weather; I stayed dry and I ended up having a great time and becoming more of a ski fanatic than he ever would have expected......
Although he got me started, he set me up with the lesson....leave it to a pro to get me started. Luckily for me, this pro was/(is?) a great teacher. My husband gives me occasional tips but definitely doesn't try to teach me. This is a good approach for us.

 

[Quiver Queen]

For me, the S.O. needs to ask if I'd mind a tip before he provides it, or I have to ask him for help on a specific issue. If he just volunteers the suggestion, my brain generally isn't working on that aspect of my skiing, and I tend to ignore it until someone with more official credentials makes the same comment. But no matter who it is giving the instruction, they'd better not issue orders because my brain and emotions clamp down and reject it. Maybe that's why I knew I could never stomach being in the military. :yell:

 

[altagirl]

For me, the S.O. needs to ask if I'd mind a tip before he provides it, or I have to ask him for help on a specific issue. If he just volunteers the suggestion, my brain generally isn't working on that aspect of my skiing, and I tend to ignore it until someone with more official credentials makes the same comment. But no matter who it is giving the instruction, they'd better not issue orders because my brain and emotions clamp down and reject it. Maybe that's why I knew I could never stomach being in the military. :yell:

I was in the military. The being able to take orders part is not a problem for me.

But even in the military, you don't have your spouse giving you orders. ;) That's a totally different dynamic than your boss giving you orders... (Plus, technically, I outrank my husband. :p )

 

[liquidfeet]

(Plus, technically, I outrank my husband. :p )

Love it.:ROTF: :ROTF: :ROTF:

 

[sibhusky]

Early in our relationship, my husband and I went to Blue Knob together. Theoretically, I was going to teach him to ski. The place was a mess, frozen ice cubes all over (30-some years ago). I could turn and stop. He couldn't. He got frustrated, turned in his equipment and went to the car. I skied a few more runs, then went back to the car. We left.

That was my last attempt to teach him. He took lessons the next time. My theory is that the best way to start is in a group lesson. The odds are there is at least one person in the class that's a bigger bozo than you are. That takes some of the stress off.

Now, I did teach my daughter to ski. But she was only three and VERY shy. Her first private lesson (the next year) she made me come along. The learning that occurred that day was ME learning to teach her better. She didn't have another lesson until she was seven and that was at Club Med, where they ended up putting her with the oldest group of kids because she skied so well. That wasn't actually so great because these kids were a lot older than her, but it does tell you that she did learn to ski pretty good from me.

Of course she claims all her technical flaws are a gift from her mom.