Gwyneth Paltrow and Deer Valley: a new lawsuit

[TiffAlt]

“training yourself out of it”

Stab in the dark since I am not @Iwannaski, but women have a tendency to apologize for things they really shouldn't. Like accidentally sneezing in the middle of someone else speaking - as if you could control that! Training yourself is being mindful of how much you actually say "sorry" and put a better spin on it instead. So instead of, "Sorry I was late" say "Thank you for waiting for me."

 

[Iwannaski]

Stab in the dark since I am not @Iwannaski, but women have a tendency to apologize for things they really shouldn't. Like accidentally sneezing in the middle of someone else speaking - as if you could control that! Training yourself is being mindful of how much you actually say "sorry" and put a better spin on it instead. So instead of, "Sorry I was late" say "Thank you for waiting for me."

Absolutely. Except even worse.

Here’s an example that still sits with me 6 years later, but actually helped me see these tendencies clearly. I was walking on the sidewalk by myself in New Orleans at a trade show. Coming the other way were three men, walking side by side across the entire sidewalk.

When they were almost up to me, I didn’t think to stand my ground on the sliver of sidewalk I was occupying, but instead I stepped into the street and said, “Oh my goodness, excuse me” as they essentially drove me off the sidewalk. THAT is excessive apologizing and it is something that we as women are often inclined to do. I was SO UPSET both at them and myself afterwards, that I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I did withdraw and had to sit by myself to reset.

I’ve been working on campaigns for women candidates and have also worked an a man’s campaign and it’s astonishing what we are expected to tolerate and how we are expected to respond relative to men.

That’s why Ms. Paltrow’s experience resonated with me. I could absolutely feel it.

When someone crashed into me from behind, I had no reason to assume he was assaulting me (I imagine that Ms Paltrow’s boundaries are regularly violated by fans, and I’m a lot more solid than she is) but I definitely thought about just skiing away and nursing my anger. Instead, I did engage in a coaching conversation, rather than a fight OR flight. But the adrenaline surge left me shaking.

 

[echo_VT]

So I’m still not understanding the first part of my question… how is her response a thoughtful response and not a fight or flight response? What would an example of that be since cursing someone out isn’t a fight response?

 

[Iwannaski]

Ok. So, blurting an expletive can come before the fight or flight. It’s not like if I’m scared I just start running, right? I could scream and run? Same thing, I can swear and go into shock. They’re not mutually exclusive. Just swearing at him isn’t incompatible with flight. Swearing isn’t fighting.

Maybe this will help?

The Fight-or-Flight Response Prepares Your Body to Take Action

Fight-or-flight is a physiological reaction that prepares our bodies to stay and fight or to flee. Learn what happens during a fight-or-flight response and why.

www.verywellmind.com

I don’t really feel understand if we need to go deeper than that. I’ve been there, it’s not a fight. Shock is flight/freeze, not fight. That’s my only point. And THAT tends to be a historical masculine response.

We can disagree, that’s fine! Maybe your experiences are different.

 

[Lmk92]

Absolutely. Except even worse.

Here’s an example that still sits with me 6 years later, but actually helped me see these tendencies clearly. I was walking on the sidewalk by myself in New Orleans at a trade show. Coming the other way were three men, walking side by side across the entire sidewalk.

When they were almost up to me, I didn’t think to stand my ground on the sliver of sidewalk I was occupying, but instead I stepped into the street and said, “Oh my goodness, excuse me” as they essentially drove me off the sidewalk. THAT is excessive apologizing and it is something that we as women are often inclined to do. I was SO UPSET both at them and myself afterwards, that I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I did withdraw and had to sit by myself to reset.

I’ve been working on campaigns for women candidates and have also worked an a man’s campaign and it’s astonishing what we are expected to tolerate and how we are expected to respond relative to men.

That’s why Ms. Paltrow’s experience resonated with me. I could absolutely feel it.

When someone crashed into me from behind, I had no reason to assume he was assaulting me (I imagine that Ms Paltrow’s boundaries are regularly violated by fans, and I’m a lot more solid than she is) but I definitely thought about just skiing away and nursing my anger. Instead, I did engage in a coaching conversation, rather than a fight OR flight. But the adrenaline surge left me shaking.

I had a very similar situation, but a different reaction. It was on the streets of Barcelona, and I was with my kids (teens and older). A group of men approached, and I realized I had been yielding all day. I stood my ground. How empowering! Ever since then, I have not yielded while walking, haha. What's more is that after a bit, THEY noticed, and I explained. So they learned something, too.

 

[TiffAlt]

I had a very similar situation, but a different reaction. It was on the streets of Barcelona, and I was with my kids (teens and older). A group of men approached, and I realized I had been yielding all day. I stood my ground. How empowering! Ever since then, I have not yielded while walking, haha. What's more is that after a bit, THEY noticed, and I explained. So they learned something, too.

Go you!

How'd they take it, out of curiosity?

 

[Lmk92]

Go you!

How'd they take it, out of curiosity?

Couldn't say. I didn't even look at them. lol
ETA: They all moved, if that helps.

 

[snoWYmonkey]

Ladies, the moving for others when there is plenty of room for those in both directions to pass one another is something I have been acutely aware of the past few years. Gender and age, seem to be a factor. I will literally let people walk into me now if they refuse to move over and give me room. Now, super busy cities with 6 to 10 people all on the sidewalk in many directions is a little different as the flow has to happen somewhat more naturally and it does mean some have to move aside. But in especially with people not looking where they are going, I have zero tolerance, patience or love left to share.