So many things,
@newbieM ...
I was talking to my son about his learning curve vs. mine, and I told him that fear was the biggest thing holding me back from being a better skier. So please take everything I’m going to say with a sense of camaraderie, and not preachiness.
You sound like a kickass woman and an amazing, resilient and strong person.
While you’re on the greens, get rational about the fear. Sure, you could go over the edge, but watch some of the beginners who are in their early 20s careen down. If it was really a risk, the edge of the green slope would be littered with young adult bodies. ;) I know they’re younger, but they’re so much dumber than you. Look at how out of control they are. some idiot who has been on skis twice will tell his girlfriend he’ll teach her and there they go...
Never compare yourself to a kid. For every kid you see zipping around, you don’t see the kids who took one lesson, had a tantrum and refused to return. My son was the former, my daughter the latter. She was 8. We worked out a plan where she would build confidence at HER speed on her terms and it’s working.
Now: She loves “going skiing” ... she hasn’t left the bunny slope, but she’s practicing the things that will give her comfort ... we just give her space to do it. I have gotten a lot better at skating back and forth between the bunny where she is and the bottom of the blue that my son likes. He’s skied for 4 weeks and had a single hour of lesson. The range of comfort is THAT big...one home, one set of genes, one environment. ;)
Are you giving yourself the same compassion you would give one of your children? If new trails freak you out, just ski the same one over and over (even if by yourself) until you’re comfortable. I’ve done this with friends who are better skiers. We just make a date to meet at a time for food/rest/beverages and I LOVE the solitude. As a working mom, there is really no joy like standing on the side of a mountain with your own thoughts.
I’m not our sole provider, but there have been times where it has all fallen to me and it’s been brutal. My husband tore his left Achilles when I was 38 weeks pregnant with kid 2 and had a 34 month old kamikaze toddler boy. We have pics of me in my hospital gown with an IV bag hung on a wheelchair I’m pushing him in as I labored. (I think it’s hilarious, him less so) He tore his right one this year at the end of February when I already knew about the Coronavirus, but before everything had come to a halt. The weight of carrying it all is exhausting. So, here are some good warm thoughts. I hope you find some joy on a mountain on the snow.