Depression After ACL/MCL/Meniscus Surgery

[PonyGirl17]

Hello! I’m brand new to the site. I was searching around for depression after acl surgery and found skidiva. My story; I have been skiing for 12 years, and up until this past year have been injury free. In January 2019 I slid on some ice, and fell. While sliding down the hill, my right leg was pinned under me, and my ski didn’t detach. I felt some pulling and other uncomfortable sensations, but figured at best probably just sprained my knee. Ski patrol took good care of me, and after a trip to the local ER, was sent back with a brace and crutches.

Upon my return home, and a visit to my OS, I had an MRI. I was absolutely devastated with the news. Torn ACL, partial tear of my MCL, meniscus and hairline fracture of my tibia. I actually thought the Dr. was joking with me. I couldn’t have surgery until the swelling went down, and my OS recommended pre-hab to get my knee in better shape for the reconstructive surgery. In March (7 weeks post injury), I had surgery. My OS ended up doing the ACL reconstruction (donor graft), repaired the MCL, and stitched the meniscus. Three procedures on one knee – ouch. So, it’s now May and I’m 12 weeks post-op. My recovery has been very slow, and I’m behind where I should be according to PT protocol. Unfortunately, I may be looking at MUA as well to break up the scar tissue and get my range of motion back on track.

My recovery has been long, and I still don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have cried more than I can say. I cry at home, I cry at PT (2x week – good thing I have understanding physical therapists). I’m seriously depressed. When I think about the things I can’t do, I cry. I want my normal life back. I want to walk normally. I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced this? I feel totally alone, and even embarrassed that I feel like this. My family has been incredible through this, but I don’t think anyone really understands how this injury has affected me mentally. I’m normally a very positive person, but this has taken its toll on me. And the worst part, I’m not sure I want to ski anymore. The thought of having this happen again terrifies me.

If anyone out there has any similar stories, positive thoughts, or a great recovery to share, I’d really appreciate hearing about it! XO

 

[Skier31]

Sorry to hear about your injury. I went through similar injuries and feelings about 20 years ago.

What I can tell you is that is a difficult journey, there are no easy answers but it does get better.

I got through it by focusing on rehab, taking one day at a time, letting myself cry and staying away from the mountains and anything related to skiing.

A year after my last surgery, I was back skiing and have never looked back.

There is lots of support here. You are not alone!

 

[geargrrl]

I destroyed my ACL and MCL mountain biking two summers ago. I didn't have surgery for three months as they wanted to see if the MCL would heal on it's own. It did, but then of course it is back to square one with a hamstring graft. I am super active and I wasn't very happy about it.

I do know people will go talk to a therapist . My BF has had breast cancer and some other events back to back and was getting really angry about not being able to "do" her normal stuff. She couldn't give herself permission to take the time needed to recover without beating herself up and a therapist helped.

Me? Yeah, it's really hard some days. My husband was awesome, but wouldn't let me have a pity party. He's put himself in a wheelchair with a broken pelvis; had knee surgery; had 3 shoulder reconstructions (to name a few). So he knows what it's like. So - try and focus on what you CAN do, aspire to an attitude of gratitude for the good things in your life, whether it's people who love you, support, living in a nice place, whatever you can think of, and take it one day at a time.

Missing skiing was a drag but I refused to obsess over it. Focusing on what I couldn't do just make everything worse. My hub ski patrols and for 20 years we have a ski-date day on his duty day. So I just stayed home and worked and tried not to think about it. We've had several seasons where I was skiing every chance I could get and HE was on the injured list. It was valuable to be on the other side so I could understand letting him have his joy even though I could only live vicariously through him.

I had a lot of fun putting the whole journey on Instagram.... from the first ice pack after I was retrieved off the trail, to progress videos ( or not progress), to the day I passed my "return to sport" PT assessment. It's not forever. I had a couple of folks who had been through similar tell me that "in two years you'll be fine" and they were right.

http://instagr.am/p/BfMdBgllerm/
Distractions were good. I spent a lot of time online researching camper vans for us. That was a fun project.

Last but not least, do EVERYTHING they tell you to do, and NOTHING that's not cleared. The #1 thing I heard from people was along the lines of, "I didn't do all my PT" or, "I wasn't cleared to ski and I did it anyway and I really set myself back", etc. Take your rehab really seriously; like a job. There were a lot of days when I did and hour and a half of exercises every morning that were painful and huge time sucks. But I stuck it out. .Two year anniversary of the wreck is coming up soon. I was so well rehabbed that 1. surgeon said no brace ( has to do with how well you rebuild core, not knee) and 2. I was really strong and went right back to sports. You test it out, see how it feels and go from there.

IG @geargrrl

~Penny

 

[MissySki]

I don’t have an injury story, but just wanted to lend my sympathies and support! Don’t beat yourself up about feeling down on your current situation. Your whole way of life has been turned upside down, there’s no shame in feeling sad, frustrated, angry, etc.

I wonder if you’ve perhaps taken the opportunity to try a new hobby to get your mind off of the situation periodically? Something brain intensive like trying out an instrument. I started playing the ukulele on and off awhile back (I’m NOT musically inclined) and find it astounding how much concentration it takes and therefore how much everything else fades away when I practice. Very cathartic. Or maybe you’ve always wanted to paint, write a blog, learn a language, or take up photography, anything that might make you feel good and accomplished outside of physical activities that aren’t possible right now.

 

[contesstant]

@PonyGirl17, a lot of us can empathize and sympathize with you! Some key points that were noted above: take it one day at a time, and know that if you're having a bad day, tomorrow WILL be better but you have to allow it to be better. And, as Geargrrl said--don't do what you're not supposed to! I know it's tempting, I know it's SO hard, but just DON'T.

Honestly, when I was out 4 years ago with a tibial plateau fracture, the most difficult thing for me (besides not being able to drive) was not being able to clean my house LOL! I was stuck sitting there looking at dirty floors and dust and unmade beds. I also couldn't cook, but I did finally work around that by using my kitchen counters as crutches. I also had a horse who needed to be cared for, so I'd beg rides to the barn, or eventually drive down there, and lead him around while on my crutches, then brush him and attempt to longe him in the arena (he'd pull away from me almost every time because I couldn't brace against him at all and be circling me dragging a 25 foot rope--hilarious!) Thankfully, he was a kind and gentle soul who behaved himself while I led him, etc.

Anyway, it's SO hard--you'll get through it and it will all be a memory in a year or two. I love what MissySki said above, too, about finding something that ultimately pushes mindfulness and what could be considered a form of meditation. Skiing, biking, etc. are all forms of meditation in their own way as we are very much in the moment when we are doing them. If you can find something that will take the place of that "in the moment" feeling, it will definitely help your mental state during recovery.

 

[SallyCat]

Very sorry you're going through this. Your despair is completely understandable and no cause for embarrassment.

You might find this thread about Injury-related depression helpful.

Fwiw, I love mountain biking just as much as skiing, and I came out of this winter with significant weight gain and some health issues that are making biking on the steep local trails here a really punishing, frustrating and at times infuriating experience.

I had planned to do an iconic local 50-mile bike race this fall, but I had to let go of that; it's just not going to happen and working toward that one huge, distant goal was making me really stressed and unhappy. Had I kept going in that direction, I would have just given up trying to improve my endurance because it seemed hopeless.

Instead, I'm focusing on smaller achievements ("hey, I used to have to stop at that tree to rest and now I don't," "I improved my time on that hill climb by 60 seconds", etc.). If I let myself dwell on it, I'm pissed that my goals have to be so small, so I'm working on little mental redirects to get me back to thinking more positively (I'm slow and this climbing is making me feel weak and sick, but I'm on gorgeous trails, it's a beautiful day, I'm lucky to live where I do, be able to afford a nice bike, have good friends for encouragement and support, etc.).

Perhaps developing a strategy that works for you to help get through your recovery is something that you can work on and maybe a therapist can help with?

Wishing you the best.

 

[mustski]

I don't really have anything to add to the conversation, but I did want to say welcome and hang in there.

 

[QCskier]

I'm sorry to hear about this. I tore my MCL a few years ago in a water skiing accident and while I didn't require surgery I did experience the depression that you are talking about. I am very active so when I suddenly couldn't exercise any more I found myself with nothing to do so I started to mope. There were days where I would burst into tears as soon as I got home for no particular reason. I promise that it does get better. What helped me was to find hobbies to fill my time and distract me. I started doing puzzles and it took my mind off things. Eventually my knee healed and I could return to all my usual activities.

 

[MaineSkiLady]

@PonyGirl17, welcome to the site - wish it was under better circumstances. I'm an OG around here who has lately gone missing - due to an injury (non-skiing-related) that ended my ski season early and may be heading for surgery. So I completely and totally understand where you're coming from.

The link provided by @SallyCat above is a good one: lots of forum members have been through stuff - many more who haven't even posted about theirs.

Stay in touch with your PCP. A round of antidepressants might not be an altogether bad alternative. It could get you over the "hump" of down-doldrums.

Otherwise, one must simply go with the "this too shall pass" attitude - and find some pleasant distractions. Easier said than done for the active person, I do know - as I watch DH do most of what I do around our house and yard.

I don't start my next round of diagnoses until June 18, so I likely won't get any news of whether surgery is pending until July. And that means it could well cut into NEXT ski season as well. But I'm so tired of the pain...

Hang in there.

 

[Jenny]

@MaineSkiLady - Fingers crossed you don’t need surgery, but maybe it would solve the problem quicker? Been quite awhile already, hasn’t it?

 

[BlueSkies]

My ACL was detached from the bone, my meniscus torn, andmy MCL partially torn while skiing about 7 years ago. I had surgery with a donor graft in early February. There were days when I wondered if I would ever feel normal again and I was definitely complaining/in pain from PT, but I did the exercises. (if nothing else, I'm stubborn). Even without any additional complications, I was in PT until August. I was cleared to resume skiing (with a brace) the following January. I think resuming skiing was the hardest part for me. Being older (early 60's) I was definitely scared of re-injury, but my DH loves to ski and had bought me a pass. Although my PT did take into account that I was going to ski again and I was going to the gym, my muscles and knees were not happy the first times out, so while he hit the entire mountain I would go out twice a day for an hour or so, sticking to the greens. By mid February I was skiing blue trails and eventually easy blacks. It still took another season to really get my confidence back.
It's a process and most of us can't recover as fast as Linsey Vonn (I kept telling myself if she could go through it and race again, I could do it). Hang in there, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[PonyGirl17]

Thanks - following you on IG!

 

[MaineSkiLady]

@MaineSkiLady - Fingers crossed you don’t need surgery, but maybe it would solve the problem quicker? Been quite awhile already, hasn’t it?

Yeah, over 2 years. Apparently, repeated injuries. Muscle "gave up." I'd been getting periodic cortisone injections. You can only have "so many" of those....and they stopped working. On to the next possibility....tired of pain...

 

[PonyGirl17]

@PonyGirl17, welcome to the site - wish it was under better circumstances. I'm an OG around here who has lately gone missing - due to an injury (non-skiing-related) that ended my ski season early and may be heading for surgery. So I completely and totally understand where you're coming from.

The link provided by @SallyCat above is a good one: lots of forum members have been through stuff - many more who haven't even posted about theirs.

Stay in touch with your PCP. A round of antidepressants might not be an altogether bad alternative. It could get you over the "hump" of down-doldrums.

Otherwise, one must simply go with the "this too shall pass" attitude - and find some pleasant distractions. Easier said than done for the active person, I do know - as I watch DH do most of what I do around our house and yard.

I don't start my next round of diagnoses until June 18, so I likely won't get any news of whether surgery is pending until July. And that means it could well cut into NEXT ski season as well. But I'm so tired of the pain...

Hang in there.

Good luck to you as well!

 

[PonyGirl17]

@PonyGirl17, a lot of us can empathize and sympathize with you! Some key points that were noted above: take it one day at a time, and know that if you're having a bad day, tomorrow WILL be better but you have to allow it to be better. And, as Geargrrl said--don't do what you're not supposed to! I know it's tempting, I know it's SO hard, but just DON'T.

Honestly, when I was out 4 years ago with a tibial plateau fracture, the most difficult thing for me (besides not being able to drive) was not being able to clean my house LOL! I was stuck sitting there looking at dirty floors and dust and unmade beds. I also couldn't cook, but I did finally work around that by using my kitchen counters as crutches. I also had a horse who needed to be cared for, so I'd beg rides to the barn, or eventually drive down there, and lead him around while on my crutches, then brush him and attempt to longe him in the arena (he'd pull away from me almost every time because I couldn't brace against him at all and be circling me dragging a 25 foot rope--hilarious!) Thankfully, he was a kind and gentle soul who behaved himself while I led him, etc.

Anyway, it's SO hard--you'll get through it and it will all be a memory in a year or two. I love what MissySki said above, too, about finding something that ultimately pushes mindfulness and what could be considered a form of meditation. Skiing, biking, etc. are all forms of meditation in their own way as we are very much in the moment when we are doing them. If you can find something that will take the place of that "in the moment" feeling, it will definitely help your mental state during recovery.

Thanks! I'm also a horseback rider. I love that you would longe your horse on crutches - that's awesome! I've set a small goal of riding again by Fall - if not riding at least going to the barn for some 'pony therapy'

 

[PonyGirl17]

Wow you ladies are super - thanks for all of the great advice! You are all so right, set small goals, find other activities and don't dwell on what can't be done right now. This too shall pass....

 

[contesstant]

Thanks! I'm also a horseback rider. I love that you would longe your horse on crutches - that's awesome! I've set a small goal of riding again by Fall - if not riding at least going to the barn for some 'pony therapy'

Get out and do some grooming if at all possible! No doubt you know how cathartic and peaceful that is.

You'll find stuff to fill the void in your life for the time being. I also found that after a few weeks, I adapted to my new "normal" but also knew it was temporary. Make sure to check back with us as you progress through healing, as you'll have setbacks and celebrations and then when you start skiing again, you might be frustrated that your knee is not the same. It takes time (as in, years in some cases) to build strength for specific activities and feel "normal" again. But, you'll get back out there and be so happy when you do!!

 

[VickiK]

Hang in there, @PonyGirl17 , +1 to check back in with us and

 

[PonyGirl17]

Hang in there, @PonyGirl17 , +1 to check back in with us and

Thank you!!

 

[snowski/swimmouse]

+1 on all of the above. When I shattered my femur I had many of the same feelings. Months later and more than a month later than usual, I planted my veggie garden minus the ones I start from seed. The seedlings I put in on crutches and on a small garden stool. But, mentally it was even better than the fresh veggies I later ate. It gave me a positive focus and a sense of accomplishment plus sunshine and vitamin D!

When I did finally get back on skis, I too started on easy green over and over. At first I could only turn to the left so I kept this up until I could turn both ways with control. Even when I did move to easy blue, I wanted someone I trusted to "sweep" for me so that I didn't have to worry about someone hitting me from behind or cutting me off. I felt that way the whole first season, but '60s or not, I went back to racing, though just NASTER when I could opt out if conditions were icy or such and it wouldn't penalize my team. As said above, just follow all directives and take everything else at your own pace.
I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised that I kept seeing improvement for up to two years, long after I'd thought I seen all the improvement I could. So, take heart, and keep us up with your progress. We care!