PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter

[Robyn]

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

"Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jenifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you ****ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull ****. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX"

[snowbunny1976]

OMG! I am in tears! That's hilarious!

[Ski Diva]

That....is .....hysterical.

It can't possibly be real. Can it????

[MaineSkiLady]

OMG, that is the best letter I've read in years!

[NannyMin]

[SueNJ]

Originally Posted by Robyn

Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

My absolute favorite part of this!

[Lilgeorg]

My sides hurt from laughing!!!

[greekpeakskier]

i saved this until after the kids went to bed and my partner and i read it out loud and laughed until we cried and our stomachs hurt....

[Lori_K]

Originally Posted by Robyn

If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong',

Oh my gawd. Great letter!!

[Gloria]

Originally Posted by Robyn

"Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX"

Moving right along....Actually how do you get past a comment like this?

[snowbunny1976]

I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

I'm sure there's many men out there who would say the same thing. LOL!

[retromaven]

My family is shooting me odd looks as I am laughing like a hyena with tears rolling down my eyes...and think I've gone mad...

Funniest thing I've read in a long time. All I can say is there is a silver lining in having the old slice and dice...as I don't miss "the curse" and all the machinations around it, and I no longer ever have those maniacal urges...which everyone around me is thankful for...

[Bravosarah]

Oh my Lord! I didn't know that a person could laugh until they get the hiccups, but I need to get a glass of water!

[MaineSkiLady]

Okay, update: I saw an Always tv spot yesterday, and they are using this slogan in their commercials as well. "HAVE A HAPPY PERIOD"
And here I thought it was just printed on their products, or overwrap, or whatever. NOOOO. It's also on TV