Roaming Solo as a Woman

[Jenny]

True fact: I was mountain biking yesterday afternoon and came across a group of four boys, ages maybe 11 to 14. They had a mechanical issue and I lent them my multi-tool, and while one boy worked on the bike, the others and I got to chatting about bikes and such. They were really nice kids, and at one point they wanted to know where I was from, so I told them (PA) and one boy exclaimed "You came here BY YOURSELF!?!?" as the others looked on wide-eyed. To be fair, I don't guess middle-schoolers get to do a lot of solo travel, but I thought of this thread and had to laugh.

I hope you took the opportunity to lecture them on how women and girls can do anything they want to do and that the men and boys shouldn't keep them down!

 

[VickiK]

awareness of my surroundings is second nature to me. I don't really think about it but practice most of what everyone already discussed above...
I was just damn stupid when I was young and it's just dumb luck that kept me alive. I trusted everybody.

@mustski I'm the same way with my awareness, living in Los Angeles. But over the years, lordie, I swear I had or have a guardian angel on my shoulder. Travelling solo in Europe in 1979, I stayed at the tent city outside of Munich. Sometime during my Munich visit, I met up with a cute Italian fellow and went sightseeing with him, went swimming at the Olympic village, etc. There was some canoodling, yes, but when he wanted to pull me away from my sleeping bag in the tent city that night, I played possum as a discouragement tactic. It worked, sort of.

 

[VickiK]

P.S. Memory fails me. I didn't have a sleeping bag, but it was my designated spot on the floor in a tent filled with a lot of other people, travellers, students, or whatever. It was cheap in the extreme. I vaguely remember there being general areas for girls, boys, or mixed.

 

[Albertan ski girl]

I really like this thread - and I'm just catching up on all of the posts I've missed (while travelling solo) over the past few months.

I've really enjoyed all of your stories, tips and concerns. I travel by myself a lot - and I really love it too. Like some of you have mentioned - it's a time I really cherish because I get some peace of mind, get to focus on myself, but also learn lots of new things. I've been travelling solo (by varying degrees) since I was 14 or so and my mom would stick me on airplanes to go visit my grandparents in Europe, expecting I would somehow get there no problem I backpacked solo a lot when I was younger, sometimes for months at a time, did exchanges in college, and travelled solo during those exchanges all the time (I saw Russia, Finland, Estonia, Ukraine, London, Rome and Glasgow when I was in college!). When I was in grad school, I lived in Istanbul for about 4 months by myself while taking language classes, and I got to do some travelling from Istanbul while I was there, all over Turkey and Lebanon. Nowadays, I mostly travel with SO, DD and DS when we do vacations. However, there are two kinds of travel I still do by myself. I travel for work quite a bit - and if I'm going to a place i like, I will always always add a couple of days to do some sightseeing. I also will travel by myself for skiing - even if it's just me heading into the mountains for an overnight in the winter, or somewhere further away. I love time just to myself, when I can do things at my own pace. There have been trips when I've met lots of other people, and some where I haven't - and that's ok. There are times when I prefer to explore a place on my own, and not really engage with other people (this happens often when I'm tired, and need to unwind). When it comes to safety, some common sense and general rules (don't stay out too late, take official cabs, order your own drinks and watch the bartender make them, don't carry around anything valuable) go a long way. But I would be hard-pressed to give up my solo travelling. I think its an incredibly rewarding experience.

 

[bounceswoosh]

I don't really think it counts, but I'm flying to NC on Saturday to visit my parents.

Two days after I get back, I'm driving out to Utah to visit with friends, spend some time with my grandma, and do a mountain biking clinic.

I find travel a lot less stressful when I don't have to go back to work the next day! Luxury!

 

[ski diva]

I came across this article in OutsideOnline -- The Sh*t Men Say To Me When I Travel -- and it made me think of this thread.

 

[bounceswoosh]

I came across this article in OutsideOnline -- The Sh*t Men Say To Me When I Travel -- and it made me think of this thread.

Itzel, who is a mother of two girls, soon approached them, began exchanging stories, and eventually started taking pictures. Her ease of interaction surprised even me, because I wasn’t sure whether they would allow their children to be photographed. It occurred to me that Itzel’s exceedingly powerful photographs might not have been possible if she had been a man.

Oh. Wow. That's a really interesting point. Sure, we're seen as vulnerable - but for the same reason, we're not seen as intimidating, so we might be able to get stories and shots that men couldn't.

 

[newboots]

I came across this article in OutsideOnline -- The Sh*t Men Say To Me When I Travel -- and it made me think of this thread.

That was an interesting article. It must be tiresome . . . she is out there doing her job, and getting condescending comments from men. I get the impression, though, that the author expects attitudes from men in Mexico, Guatemala, and Tunisia, to reflect changing contemporary attitudes in our culture. Men in rural, poor Central American cultures are going to think differently about women's roles. Tunisia's culture, too, doesn't bear close resemblance to ours.

I certainly support her goal of increased awareness of the value and importance of women in non-traditional roles. But she seems a little insulted and surprised. Why?

Is this too old-fashioned of me?

 

[SallyCat]

I had a visceral reaction to her story about the man on the bus talking loudly about her to the other passengers. I've had that happen on several occasions, not just traveling but working retail. It's always some old windbag man trying to save face to his friends when he knows he's said something stupid ("Boy, this one's in a bad mood!" e.g., when I gave a tepid smile in response to some condescending "joke").

In town getting supplies during a backpacking trip, a man once asked me what I was doing, and when I explained he said "Huh, I wouldn't let my wife do that." (I'm proud of all the comments I kept to myself after that comment! )

 

[bounceswoosh]

a man once asked me what I was doing, and when I explained he said "Huh, I wouldn't let my wife do that."

I feel like some dude has said that to me before. But I'm not in jail on assault charges, so I must be mistaken ...

 

[Jenny]

(I'm proud of all the comments I kept to myself after that comment! )

How you didn't explode is beyond me.

 

[newboots]

(I'm proud of all the comments I kept to myself after that comment! )

I'm proud of you, too! You must have amazing self-control! Can I borrow it to lose some weight?

 

[luliski]

She (Cheryl Strayed) has an excellent book and an advice podcast called "Dear Sugar, " too. Both are very well done.

I read "Dear Sugar;" loved it!

 

[newboots]

Oh. Wow. That's a really interesting point. Sure, we're seen as vulnerable - but for the same reason, we're not seen as intimidating, so we might be able to get stories and shots that men couldn't.

Not to mention, tell stories and take photos that men don't bother to.

 

[ling]

I guess I violate many of the "rules":

I don't stop and look at a map on the sidewalk, for example.

I do that a lot. At train stations. At street corners. Or studying a map while sipping coffee at an outdoor park...

Very often, I've had people stopped and asked if I needed direction to go somewhere. I was glad of the helps.

Once, I was invited to visit someone's house nearby which he was restoring to the traditional style. It was a polite invitation, I probably should have said no but for whatever reason I felt it was ok to say yes. It was a nice brief visit. Oh, he was thoughtful to leave the front door opened the whole time I was in there.

On the other hand, I don't walk about in unfamiliar neighborhood after dark. And when I walk back to my car after dark, I do walk down the middle of the lane and avoid vans with tinted windows. I don't think about it. I just do it automatically.

 

[elemmac]

In town getting supplies during a backpacking trip, a man once asked me what I was doing, and when I explained he said "Huh, I wouldn't let my wife do that." (I'm proud of all the comments I kept to myself after that comment! )

A simple, "Glad I'm not your wife", would have been perfectly acceptable in my eyes.

 

[bounceswoosh]

Currently sitting solo in an unfamiliar Mexican restaurant in Park City wearing headphones yup listen to a podcast. Slightly self-conscious, but more excited for food!

 

[CarverJill]

I think going our to eat alone is something to learn to do. I NEVER would have done it as a teen but as I've gotten older the draw of food and situations I was alone helped me to slowly get over it. I wouldn't say I'm totally okay with it in all situations but for the most part I'm happy to do it if I'm hungry and don't have anyone to go with me. For some reason I still have a hard time going to a super popular, fun place on the weekend where everyone is out with friends but I don't even question breakfast or lunch anytime or anywhere.

 

[MI-skier]

As a runner too I am sooo envious of men who can just run around in a new city. I do travel solo on occasion and I have to think about where/time/what I'm doing just to be on the safe side. Traveling solo one thing I remind myself is that while it may feel self conscious, NO ONE really is looking or caring or will remember you.

 

[CarverJill]

So this weekend there was a free concert in LA which was 2.5 hours from me. I REALLY wanted to see the band and had asked everyone I could think of if they wanted to go. The concert was from 9:30-11 pm so there was no chance my husband and I could both go unless we had someone to watch our kids. We don't have a regular babysitter and he doesn't like the band so I was on my own. I researched parking and had everything planned. I was so excited to go and didn't really care that I was going alone because it meant I would get to do everything on my own time. There would be parking under the park and food trucks there. I also knew I wanted to try and meet the band and didn't want someone who didn't really care about them rushing me out of there.

So its 3:00 pm the day of the concert (I had planned to leave at 5:30) and I'm talking to my Mom on the phone. She knows I'm going to a concert and asks if I'm going with anyone and I tell her no. She makes this really ad awwww sound and asks "really?". I tell her matter of factually that that there's no one who wanted to come with me but I want to see the show so I'm going alone. She goes on and on about safety and bring in a crowd of crazy people (this is NOT a band that has crazy crowds BTW). I'm also 39 years old and and rarely does my Mom know what I'm doing and where I am. Well 30 minutes later my brother texts me asking if I'm still going to the show and tells me he wants to come. I had actually asked my brother if he wanted to come a few days earlier but he can't get things together and commit to anything that doesn't involve his family. I knew my Mom had called him and asked him to go with me. I guess he felt guilty and decided to make it happen. Ugg the whole thing kind of pissed me off and made me think of this thread.

What's funny is, the only time I felt even a little unsafe was when he engaged with a crazy vagrant. I had picked up right away that the guy was a bit off mentally and had my head down just walking past him only to hear my brother getting in a little verbal altercation with him. He hadn't picked upon any of the cues I had and didn't realize this guy was best ignored. I was sure to tell my Mom about that. In the car on the way home I was telling my brother about this thread and it turns out that there are lots of things I will do solo that he will not do. He said he will just skip things if he doesn't have anyone to go with. Its interesting to think that guys have similar issues and won't travel solo. For him its not about safety but about the social stigma. It felt good to realize I'm more independent than he is despite our gender difference.